Day 11. Genesis 31-33

Genesis 31-33

Genesis 31

¹And he heard the words of Laban's sons, saying, Jacob hath taken away all that was our father's; and of that which was our father's hath he gotten all this glory.

Laban's sons are angry about something... what could it be?

²And Jacob beheld the countenance of Laban, and, behold, it was not toward him as before.

Laban is now pissed about something... what could it be?

³And the LORD said unto Jacob, Return unto the land of thy fathers, and to thy kindred; and I will be with thee.

Right when Jacob's cousins and Jacob's uncle are really really mad at him, god conveniently tells him to run back to where his parents live.

So Jacob calls Rachel and Leah to him, and he tells them, "it's not my fault". He may actually believe that it's not his fault. He is probably deluded enough to actually think that he's done nothing wrong. Granted, I don't believe that you would get spotted cows from putting sticks in front of them when they are drinking, but Jacob believes it to be so.

⁶And ye know that with all my power I have served your father.

⁷And your father hath deceived me, and changed my wages ten times; but God suffered him not to hurt me.

He's saying this to Leah and Rachel. LEAH AND RACHEL. I can understand telling it to Rachel, but he's telling Leah. Surely she's really happy about being reminded that he didn't want to marry her, that he wanted Rachel, and he was tricked by Laban. She must get a real kick out of that.

⁸If he said thus, The speckled shall be thy wages; then all the cattle bare speckled: and if he said thus, The ringstraked shall be thy hire; then bare all the cattle ringstraked.

⁹Thus God hath taken away the cattle of your father, and given them to me.

It's not my fault, the stick thing worked.

¹⁴And Rachel and Leah answered and said unto him, Is there yet any portion or inheritance for us in our father's house?

Wow, Rachel and Leah have 12 children between the two of them (Zilpah and Bilhah's kids kind of count to their number), Jacob has managed to make off with all the good livestock, and Rachel and Leah still want an inheritance.

¹⁵Are we not counted of him strangers? for he hath sold us, and hath quite devoured also our money.

¹⁶For all the riches which God hath taken from our father, that is ours, and our children's: now then, whatsoever God hath said unto thee, do.

Now, Jacob has managed to get his wives to say that it isn't his fault either.

Jacob then takes his wives and sons and cattle and everything else.

¹⁹And Laban went to shear his sheep: and Rachel had stolen the images that were her father's.

This will be important in a bit.

²⁰And Jacob stole away unawares to Laban the Syrian, in that he told him not that he fled.

He was unaware, because he didn't tell him. That sentence is rather redundant.

²²And it was told Laban on the third day that Jacob was fled.

They didn't notice that Jacob, Zilpah, Bilhah, Leah, Rachel, 12 children, and a whole lot of livestock were missing... for three days. Laban chased after them and caught them after 7 days.

²⁴And God came to Laban the Syrian in a dream by night, and said unto him, Take heed that thou speak not to Jacob either good or bad.

Nice of god to do Jacob's dirty work.

²⁶And Laban said to Jacob, What hast thou done, that thou hast stolen away unawares to me, and carried away my daughters, as captives taken with the sword?

²⁷Wherefore didst thou flee away secretly, and steal away from me; and didst not tell me, that I might have sent thee away with mirth, and with songs, with tabret, and with harp?

After Jacob managed to leave Laban with only feeble cattle, I'd expect Laban to sing great songs of him leaving.

²⁸And hast not suffered me to kiss my sons and my daughters? thou hast now done foolishly in so doing.

You didn't even let me tell my daughters and grandkids goodbye.

Laban mentions that it's in his right to hurt Jacob. I wonder if this is another one of those "my people's traditions" like the firstborn daughter has to be married first, traditions.

³⁰And now, though thou wouldest needs be gone, because thou sore longedst after thy father's house, yet wherefore hast thou stolen my gods?

Laban didn't worship the god of Abraham. Rachel took them, no one really knew that she did.

³²With whomsoever thou findest thy gods, let him not live: before our brethren discern thou what is thine with me, and take it to thee. For Jacob knew not that Rachel had stolen them.

Jacob said, whoever took them, should be killed. He probably assumed it was Leah, Zilpah or Bilhah. He didn't really care if they died.

Laban then searches from tent to tent, first Jacob's, then Leah's, then Zilpah's, Bilhah's, and finally gets to Rachel's tent.

³⁴Now Rachel had taken the images, and put them in the camel's furniture, and sat upon them. And Laban searched all the tent, but found them not.

Camel's furniture was probably a saddle.

³⁵And she said to her father, Let it not displease my lord that I cannot rise up before thee; for the custom of women is upon me. And he searched but found not the images.

Rachel lied to her father. Saying she had her period. That's a good daughter.

³⁶And Jacob was wroth, and chode with Laban: and Jacob answered and said to Laban, What is my trespass? what is my sin, that thou hast so hotly pursued after me?

³⁷Whereas thou hast searched all my stuff, what hast thou found of all thy household stuff? set it here before my brethren and thy brethren, that they may judge betwixt us both.

Jacob now has the balls to speak up to Laban. He's (technically) in the wrong, he just doesn't know it.

³⁸This twenty years have I been with thee; thy ewes and thy she goats have not cast their young, and the rams of thy flock have I not eaten.

(21 actually)

⁴¹Thus have I been twenty years in thy house; I served thee fourteen years for thy two daughters, and six years for thy cattle: and thou hast changed my wages ten times.

It's weird how they keep saying six years, when in Gen 29:30 it says he served another seven years.

Jacob says that Laban would have attacked him if it wasn't for the dream. Laban says that everything Jacob has is actually his. Finally they make a truce. They build a pills and had a feast there.

⁴⁷And Laban called it Jegarsahadutha: but Jacob called it Galeed.

Laban called the place "pile of testimony" in either Aramaic or Syriac. Jacob called it "heap of witness" in Hebrew.

⁵⁰If thou shalt afflict my daughters, or if thou shalt take other wives beside my daughters, no man is with us; see, God is witness betwixt me and thee.

Laban cared enough to curse Jacob if he took some other wives.

⁵²This heap be witness, and this pillar be witness, that I will not pass over this heap to thee, and that thou shalt not pass over this heap and this pillar unto me, for harm.

That was the line in the sand. Neither was to cross.

⁵⁵And early in the morning Laban rose up, and kissed his sons and his daughters, and blessed them: and Laban departed, and returned unto his place.

Laban apparently has enough blessings to go around for all of his daughters and grandchildren, unlike Isaac.

Genesis 32

¹And Jacob went on his way, and the angels of God met him.

He called that place Mahanaim. Mahanaim means two camps. You'll see why in a bit.

³And Jacob sent messengers before him to Esau his brother unto the land of Seir, the country of Edom.

Edom, that's the land of Esau. This verse is another repetitive one.

⁴And he commanded them, saying, Thus shall ye speak unto my lord Esau; Thy servant Jacob saith thus, I have sojourned with Laban, and stayed there until now:

⁵And I have oxen, and asses, flocks, and menservants, and womenservants: and I have sent to tell my lord, that I may find grace in thy sight.

It's been 20 or 21 years since he ran away. Now he comes back, because he's worn out his welcome at uncle Laban's.

⁶And the messengers returned to Jacob, saying, We came to thy brother Esau, and also he cometh to meet thee, and four hundred men with him.

Esau, who didn't get a blessing, now has 400 people working for him. Jacob has 4 wives, 11 sons, 1 daughter, a lot of livestock, and a couple men working for him. Esau is coming with 400.

⁷Then Jacob was greatly afraid and distressed: and he divided the people that was with him, and the flocks, and herds, and the camels, into two bands;

Divided into two bands, Mahanaim.

⁸And said, If Esau come to the one company, and smite it, then the other company which is left shall escape.

Jacob is courageous. He prayed.

⁹And Jacob said, O God of my father Abraham, and God of my father Isaac, the LORD which saidst unto me, Return unto thy country, and to thy kindred, and I will deal well with thee:

¹⁰I am not worthy of the least of all the mercies, and of all the truth, which thou hast shewed unto thy servant; for with my staff I passed over this Jordan; and now I am become two bands.

¹¹Deliver me, I pray thee, from the hand of my brother, from the hand of Esau: for I fear him, lest he will come and smite me, and the mother with the children.

¹²And thou saidst, I will surely do thee good, and make thy seed as the sand of the sea, which cannot be numbered for multitude.

God, please don't let my brother kill me. God, remember when you said my offspring would be like the sand, now would be a good time to remember that.

Jacob then prepares a gift for his brother.

200 she-goats
20 male goats
200 ewes
20 rams
30 milch camels (milk camels) with their colts (so they would continue to produce milk)
40 kine (cows)
10 bulls
20 female donkeys
10 foals

¹⁶And he delivered them into the hand of his servants, every drove by themselves; and said unto his servants, Pass over before me, and put a space betwixt drove and drove.

Jacob had them sent over in waves, so that he'd be able to see if Esau slaughtered them all as they showed up.

²⁰And say ye moreover, Behold, thy servant Jacob is behind us. For he said, I will appease him with the present that goeth before me, and afterward I will see his face; peradventure he will accept of me.

Jacob still believes that Esau is going to kill him.

²²And he rose up that night, and took his two wives, and his two womenservants, and his eleven sons, and passed over the ford Jabbok.

²³And he took them, and sent them over the brook, and sent over that he had.

Jacob then sends his wives over to Esau. He still hasn't showed up yet.

²⁴And Jacob was left alone; and there wrestled a man with him until the breaking of the day.

Jacob wrestled god that night.

²⁵And when he saw that he prevailed not against him, he touched the hollow of his thigh; and the hollow of Jacob's thigh was out of joint, as he wrestled with him.

The almighty, all powerful god couldn't beat Jacob. So god cheated. God dislocated Jacob's thigh.

²⁶And he said, Let me go, for the day breaketh. And he said, I will not let thee go, except thou bless me.

God said "let me go, it's about to be morning". Is god a vampire? Does he have to be back in heaven before the sun comes up? He already showed he can't beat Jacob, who is a real wussie, and now he's so fair that he can't be in the sunshine?

²⁸And he said, Thy name shall be called no more Jacob, but Israel: for as a prince hast thou power with God and with men, and hast prevailed.

Jacob is now named Israel. Oddly, Jacob means "heel" or "leg-puller" as though he was destined to have his leg pulled. Israel means "persevere with god", since he managed to fight god all night.

²⁹And Jacob asked him, and said, Tell me, I pray thee, thy name. And he said, Wherefore is it that thou dost ask after my name? And he blessed him there.

³⁰And Jacob called the name of the place Peniel: for I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.

Jacob may be renamed, but he isn't referred to as Israel yet.

³²Therefore the children of Israel eat not of the sinew which shrank, which is upon the hollow of the thigh, unto this day: because he touched the hollow of Jacob's thigh in the sinew that shrank.

This has definitely been added after the event. It should be a side note instead of an actual verse. I'm surprised the authors of the KJV1611 allowed that verse to remain in.

Genesis 33

¹And Jacob lifted up his eyes, and looked, and, behold, Esau came, and with him four hundred men. And he divided the children unto Leah, and unto Rachel, and unto the two handmaids.

If you come from a family with many children, ask your parents how they would divide up the kids. Which ones are they willing to sacrifice first, which ones stay behind.

Jacob made the decision quickly.

²And he put the handmaids and their children foremost, and Leah and her children after, and Rachel and Joseph hindermost.

Zilpah and her kids along with Bilhah and her kids (that's 2 wives and 4 kids) then Leah and her 6 boys and Dinah, finally Rachel and Jacob.

³And he passed over before them, and bowed himself to the ground seven times, until he came near to his brother.

Jacob stops several times, bowing, hoping that Esau won't kill him.

⁴And Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck, and kissed him: and they wept.

Esau's crying from joy from seeing his brother again. Jacob is crying because he's happy that his brother isn't going to kill him.

⁵And he lifted up his eyes, and saw the women and the children; and said, Who are those with thee? And he said, The children which God hath graciously given thy servant.

Uncle Esau then meets his nephews and niece, and their mothers. He asks what all the livestock was for, Jacob says it was a gift (in the hopes that you don't kill me; or that you start killing them and I notice and can run away). Esau says he has enough.

Jacob asks for Esau to please take them, Jacob has more than he can deal with. So Esau nicely accepts.

¹⁷And Jacob journeyed to Succoth, and built him an house, and made booths for his cattle: therefore the name of the place is called Succoth.

He journeyed to a place, and then named it? Once again, an example of a place being named in the bible before it's actually named. Sukkot means booths.

¹⁸And Jacob came to Shalem, a city of Shechem, which is in the land of Canaan, when he came from Padanaram; and pitched his tent before the city.

¹⁹And he bought a parcel of a field, where he had spread his tent, at the hand of the children of Hamor, Shechem's father, for an hundred pieces of money.

He just built a house, after you do that, isn't it time that you put the tents away? Wierd that they actually call the city Shechem. In Genesis 12:6 it was called Sichem.

²⁰And he erected there an altar, and called it EleloheIsrael.

El-Elohe-Israel means' God, the God of Israel.

Things to ponder for today:

1. Did Laban have the right to smite Jacob? Why would a JUST GOD not allow Jacob to be attacked by Laban when Jacobs party did steal from Laban?

2. How old was Jacob at the end? 40 + 20, was he 60?

3. If God can't beat a 60 year old man at wrestling without cheating, is he really worthy of being called all-powerful?

4. If you are afraid for your life, the best thing to to is attempt to bribe your opponent.

5. I'm surprised Jacob didn't pull out the old "she's my sister" line, when introducing Rachel. That seems to be a popular line used by the patriarchs when going into new land. Jacob probably thought it but didn't say it.

6. The Paleo-Hebrew alphabet first came around in the 10th century BC (1000 BC). Jacob is routinely believed to have lived around 1831 BC . This story would have been an oral tradition for about 831 years. No wonder people were named descriptively. Jacob named "leg puller" later renamed to Israel "god wrestler". Leah, the tender eyed one named "weary". Were these people actually named that, or did the story just evolve to include their names that way? Ham, Shem, Japheth... I wonder what Methuselah means. Probably "guy who lived the longest"... wait, no, it's "when he dies, it shall be sent". Coincidence that when he died that's when the flood started?

Day 10. Genesis 28-30

Genesis 28-30

Genesis 28

¹And Isaac called Jacob, and blessed him, and charged him, and said unto him, Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan.

Remember, Isaac is a racist. He was upset about Esau marrying a Canaanite, but there was no way he would allow his other nancy-boy son to marry one of them.

²Arise, go to Padanaram, to the house of Bethuel thy mother's father; and take thee a wife from thence of the daughers of Laban thy mother's brother.

To Isaac, marrying a cousin was better than marrying a black girl.

³And God Almighty bless thee, and make thee fruitful, and multiply thee, that thou mayest be a multitude of people;

⁴And give thee the blessing of Abraham, to thee, and to thy seed with thee; that thou mayest inherit the land wherein thou art a stranger, which God gave unto Abraham.

Inherit the land where you are a stranger. Doesn't that also mean "land that doesn't rightfully belong to you"?

Esau then saw that Isaac didn't want Jacob to marry a Canaanite (like he did), so Esau went to his uncle Ishmael.

⁹Then went Esau unto Ishmael, and took unto the wives which he had Mahalath the daughter of Ishmael Abraham's son, the sister of Nebajoth, to be his wife.

Esau is now married to three women.

Jacob travels toward Haran.

¹¹And he lighted upon a certain place, and tarried there all night, because the sun was set; and he took of the stones of that place, and put them for his pillows, and lay down in that place to sleep.

Stone pillows, surely aren't the most comfortable.

¹²And he dreamed, and behold a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven: and behold the angels of God ascending and descending on it.

That's a long ladder.

¹³And, behold, the LORD stood above it, and said, I am the LORD God of Abraham thy father, and the God of Isaac: the land whereon thou liest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed;

¹⁴And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth, and thou shalt spread abroad to the west, and to the east, and to the north, and to the south: and in thee and in thy seed shall all the families of the earth be blessed.

Like a virus, or a weed.

Jacob wakes up, and makes an altar out of his stone pillows.

¹⁹And he called the name of that place Bethel: but the name of that city was called Luz at the first.

Oddly, Bethel has been listed twice so far (Gen 12:8 and 13:3) as a place people went to. It wasn't until now that it was actually named. Remember, Bethel means Beth El or "House of El" "House of God".

²⁰And Jacob vowed a vow, saying, If God will be with me, and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat, and raiment to put on,

²¹So that I come again to my father's house in peace; then shall the LORD be my God:

²²And this stone, which I have set for a pillar, shall be God's house: and of all that thou shalt give me I will surely give the tenth unto thee.

That's a rather interesting vow. If God will be with me, then he will be my God. If he's with you, why would you take a different god? Ok, nevermind, that's a stupid question. The closer the god of the bible is to people in the bible, the more they disobey him. If he's walking around with you, you'll probably commit some horrible deed, like ... oh... letting sin into the world.

Genesis 29

Jacob makes it to Haran. He sees some people at a well. There's a stone on the mouth of the well, the people remove it to water their flocks, then roll it back when they are done. Jacob asks how his uncle Laban is. We aren't told if he's ever met him yet. It doesn't seem like he has.

⁶And he said unto them, Is he well? And they said, He is well: and, behold, Rachel his daughter cometh with the sheep.

Rachel is coming.

¹⁰And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother's brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother, that Jacob went near, and rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother.

The first thing Jacob does in front of Rachel, is move the stone. His first act, is showing off.

¹¹And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept.

Then he kissed her, and he cried. Like a little sissy, he met a girl, kissed her, and cried.

¹³And it came to pass, when Laban heard the tidings of Jacob his sister's son, that he ran to meet him, and embraced him, and kissed him, and brought him to his house. And he told Laban all these things.

So, Jacob goes and lives with Laban for a month. (at least to start with)

¹⁵And Laban said unto Jacob, Because thou art my brother, shouldest thou therefore serve me for nought? tell me, what shall thy wages be?

Laban has two daughters, Rachel (the elder one), and Leah.

¹⁷Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured.

Rachel was quite the hottie, and had nice boobs. Leah was ... tender eyed. Apparently, the Hebrew word used was rak (רכות) which should mean "delicate and soft". Some translations take it to mean blue eyed. One story about her talks about how her eyes became weak. As she was the elder sister, she was supposed to marry the elder brother (Esau). Leah didn't want to marry Esau, so she spent a lot of time crying about being stuck with Esau. Other's say she was cross eyed. She probably just had Amblyopia, or "lazy eye". Lazy... Leah's Eye. Say Leah's Eye real quick and it almost sounds like Lazy... that's odd.

¹⁸And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter.

Seven years... How old is Jacob at this point? The last age we are given for him is in Genesis 26:34, when Esau was forty when he married Judith and Bashemath. Since they are twins, they are the same age. Esau took a wife from Ishmael shortly after he found out his parents didn't like hittite women. Also, inbetween the stories of Esau taking wives is the birthright story, so it probably wasn't too long after. They are most likely still forty... right? (Remember this).

¹⁹And Laban said, It is better that I give her to thee, than that I should give her to another man: abide with me.

Incest is better than taking a spouse from the surrounding people. Of course, inbreeding might lead to things like... oh, I don't know... a child being "tender eyed".

²⁰And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.

Seven years passed so quickly, because he was going to marry Rachel, the hottie. (He would have been 47-ish).

²²And Laban gathered together all the men of the place, and made a feast.

Laban threw a kick ass party, and everyone got drunk and happy.

²³And it came to pass in the evening, that he took Leah his daughter, and brought her to him; and he went in unto her.

Jacob got so drunk that he didn't even notice that Laban gave him Leah instead of Rachel. Jacob was so drunk that he didn't notice that he "went in unto" the "tender eyed" girl instead of the girl who was "beautiful and well favoured".

One of the symptoms of alcoholism is black-out drinking. Alcoholism can be hereditary. It pretty much started with Noah, who got blackout drunk then got raped by Ham. The next example is Lot, the nephew of Abraham, who got blackout drunk on consecutive nights and then got his two daughters pregnant. Now we see Jacob getting so drunk that he doesn't even notice that he's not even with the first girl he kissed (and then started crying like a little sissy).

²⁵And it came to pass, that in the morning, behold, it was Leah: and he said to Laban, What is this thou hast done unto me? did not I serve with thee for Rachel? wherefore then hast thou beguiled me?

Laban said, I'm not going to give my hot daughter to a drunk. ... wait, no that's not what he said.

²⁶And Laban said, It must not be so done in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn.

²⁷Fulfil her week, and we will give thee this also for the service which thou shalt serve with me yet seven other years.

So Jacob has to work for another 7 years to get Rachel. (That'll make him 54).

In the mean time, Laban gives Leah a handmaid named Zilpah. He also give Rachel a handmaid named Bilhah. Zilpah means "drooping", Bilhah means "bashful". Leah means "tired". Rachel means "purity". Jacob married four of the Seven Dwarfs.

³⁰And he went in also unto Rachel, and he loved also Rachel more than Leah, and served with him yet seven other years.

That's a good husband, loving one wife more than the other. Oh, and he works for another 7 years (61 years old).

³¹And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren.

Of course she was barren, that's what ALWAYS happens. Sarah, Rebekah, and now Rachel.

³²And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.

Having kids to make a marriage better is never a good idea.

Jacob's first child is Reuben. Reuben means one of several things. 1. Raa Beonyi, meaning "he has seen my misery" (looked upon my affliction). 2. Yeehabani , meaning "he will love me". 3. Ra'a ben, meaning behold, a son. It could also mean Ra'abil "wolves. At least it wasn't one of the seven dwarfs.

³³And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon.

Son number two, Simeon. Simeon could mean many things as well. 1. Shama on, "he has heard". 2. Sham 'in "there is sin".

Anyway, even though Leah bore Reuben, Jacob still didn't love her. He didn't love her, but he still had sex with her.

³⁴And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi.

Son number three, Levi. Levi means "attached" or "joining".

³⁵And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing.

Son number four, Judah. Judah means "celebrated, praised".

You'll note that Leah finally got tired of trying to get attention and love from Jacob, and finally decided she'd praise the lord.

Jacob now has four sons, with the wife that he "hates".

Genesis 30

¹And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.

Rachel was jealous of Leah. She had all the love of her husband, but not the kids. Leah was jealous of Rachel, Rachel had the love but not the kids. No one was happy.

²And Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God's stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?

Jacob says, look, I'm going in unto you as much as I can, and as often as I can, it's not my fault you aren't pregnant, it's God who is keeping you from getting birthing hips.

³And she said, Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her; and she shall bear upon my knees, that I may also have children by her.

We know how well that worked with Hagar, I'm sure it works out just as good this time.

⁶And Rachel said, God hath judged me, and hath also heard my voice, and hath given me a son: therefore called she his name Dan.

Bilhah's first child (which belongs to Rachel) is Dan. Jacob's fifth. Dan means "judgment".

⁷And Bilhah Rachel's maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son.

⁸And Rachel said, With great wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and I have prevailed: and she called his name Naphtali.

Jacob seems to enjoy going in unto Bilhah. Son number six, Naphtali. Naphtali means "my struggle".

⁹When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife.

Leah thinks she's done having kids, so she lets Zilpah get into the act. Jacob, of course, goes in unto Zilpah.

¹¹And Leah said, A troop cometh: and she called his name Gad.

Son number 7, Gad. Gad means "luck".

Leah said "a troop cometh". With Gad at 7, there's enough sons to have a basketball team. They could field a team for hockey (granted they'd be real tired). They are still short for soccer, football, and baseball.

¹²And Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a second son.

¹³And Leah said, Happy am I, for the daughters will call me blessed: and she called his name Asher.

Asher is son number eight. Zilpah doesn't even get to name her kids. Leah does that. Asher means "happy".

¹⁴And Reuben went in the days of wheat harvest, and found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, of thy son's mandrakes.

Mandrakes are plants that are related to nightshades. They contain hallucinogenic alkaloids. The roots sometimes resemble humans. They were believed to help with fertility. That's why Rachel wanted them.

¹⁵And she said unto her, Is it a small matter that thou hast taken my husband? and wouldest thou take away my son's mandrakes also? And Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son's mandrakes.

Oh, that's nice. The wives just pass Jacob around for a flower or two. Jacob probably spent most of the nights with Rachel, so that's why she was willing to send him over to Leah for a night, after she got the fertility flowers.

¹⁶And Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night.

Jacob didn't protest about being purchased for some mandrakes. He just knew he was going to have sex that night. With four wives, he probably had sex every night.

¹⁷And God hearkened unto Leah, and she conceived, and bare Jacob the fifth son.

¹⁸And Leah said, God hath given me my hire, because I have given my maiden to my husband: and she called his name Issachar.

Issachar is Jacobs ninth son. Issachar either comes from ish sakar, meaning "man of hire", because Jacob was "hired" that night for the mandrakes. The other name could be yesh sakar, meaning "there is a reward", thinking he (the baby) was a reward for giving Zilpah to Jacob. They now have all the position players and a pitcher in baseball.

¹⁹And Leah conceived again, and bare Jacob the sixth son.

²⁰And Leah said, God hath endued me with a good dowry; now will my husband dwell with me, because I have born him six sons: and she called his name Zebulun.

Zebulun makes ten. Zebulun means (probably) zebed, "gift"; or yizbeleni, "honor". It could also mean zibhe-tzedek, "sacrifice to justice". Zebulun makes it so that the sons could play 5 on 5 basketball. Or he allows the family to have a relief pitcher.

²¹And afterwards she bare a daughter, and called her name Dinah.

The only girl, Dinah. Finally a daughter. Ten sons and no daughters. Dinah means "judged; vindicated"

²²And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb.

God finally remember Rachel. After 11 other children, he remembers Rachel.

²⁴And she called his name Joseph; and said, The LORD shall add to me another son.

Joseph means "may Yahweh add". Rachel finally gets a child, and what does she do? Names the kid "I want another child please God".

²⁵And it came to pass, when Rachel had born Joseph, that Jacob said unto Laban, Send me away, that I may go unto mine own place, and to my country.

²⁶Give me my wives and my children, for whom I have served thee, and let me go: for thou knowest my service which I have done thee.

This is probably at the end of the third set of seven years, when Jacob would be 61.

²⁷And Laban said unto him, I pray thee, if I have found favour in thine eyes, tarry: for I have learned by experience that the LORD hath blessed me for thy sake.

²⁸And he said, Appoint me thy wages, and I will give it.

Laban asks Jacob to stay, because while Jacob was there, Laban got more stuff. Jacob says, he wants to go. Laban asks what he can give him, when he leaves.

³²I will pass through all thy flock to day, removing from thence all the speckled and spotted cattle, and all the brown cattle among the sheep, and the spotted and speckled among the goats: and of such shall be my hire.

³³So shall my righteousness answer for me in time to come, when it shall come for my hire before thy face: every one that is not speckled and spotted among the goats, and brown among the sheep, that shall be counted stolen with me.

Jacob asks for all the speckled and spotted cattle, the brown sheep, the spotted and speckled goats. They were the ones with blemishes, not the pure white ones. Laban says, good idea, take them.

³⁵And he removed that day the he goats that were ringstraked and spotted, and all the she goats that were speckled and spotted, and every one that had some white in it, and all the brown among the sheep, and gave them into the hand of his sons.

Jacob separates the blemished animals and sends them with his kids.

³⁷And Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chesnut tree; and pilled white strakes in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods.

³⁸And he set the rods which he had pilled before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink.

³⁹And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstraked, speckled, and spotted.

Remember, according to most people who believe the bible 100%, that evolution is false. They fully believe that the earth is roughly 6000 years old. They also must believe that taking sticks and putting white stripes on them can produce animal offspring if you place that in front of them while they are drinking.

⁴⁰And Jacob did separate the lambs, and set the faces of the flocks toward the ringstraked, and all the brown in the flock of Laban; and he put his own flocks by themselves, and put them not unto Laban's cattle.

Jacob now took the animals that were born with the stripes.

⁴¹And it came to pass, whensoever the stronger cattle did conceive, that Jacob laid the rods before the eyes of the cattle in the gutters, that they might conceive among the rods.

⁴²But when the cattle were feeble, he put them not in: so the feebler were Laban's, and the stronger Jacob's.

Jacob then used his magic striped sticks in front of cattle, but only the strong ones. The weak ones he left alone, so they became Laban's.

Things to ponder for today:

1. Racism is a family value in the bible. Abraham was racist. Isaac was racist. Laban was racist. You may say that they weren't racist since they lived in the land of the Hittites, and they were friends with them... but when you claim that you don't want your kids to marry someone, that's when your true feelings come out.

2. How drunk do you have to be to have sex with a girl expecting it to be the one great love of your life, only to wake up next to her older, not as pretty, not as boobalicious sister? I don't think I've ever gotten drunk enough that I wouldn't be able to tell my significant other from her sisters.

3. At this point, Jacob didn't quite love Leah; he definitely had no feelings for Zilpah and Bilhah; the only person he actually had feelings for was Rachel. He still "went in unto" Leah, Zilpah, and Bilhah, a little thing like actually "loving" his wives didn't get in the way of him having sex. He's at least in his 50's when he had children, this is before Viagra.

4. Is having children a good way to get your spouse to love you?

5. I wonder if Jacob used any stripey sticks tricks to ensure that he only had boys, except for the time when he had Dinah.

6. Do you believe that putting striped sticks in front of livestock will cause the newborns to come out with stripes?