Day 10. Genesis 28-30

Genesis 28-30

Genesis 28

¹And Isaac called Jacob, and blessed him, and charged him, and said unto him, Thou shalt not take a wife of the daughters of Canaan.

Remember, Isaac is a racist. He was upset about Esau marrying a Canaanite, but there was no way he would allow his other nancy-boy son to marry one of them.

²Arise, go to Padanaram, to the house of Bethuel thy mother's father; and take thee a wife from thence of the daughers of Laban thy mother's brother.

To Isaac, marrying a cousin was better than marrying a black girl.

³And God Almighty bless thee, and make thee fruitful, and multiply thee, that thou mayest be a multitude of people;

⁴And give thee the blessing of Abraham, to thee, and to thy seed with thee; that thou mayest inherit the land wherein thou art a stranger, which God gave unto Abraham.

Inherit the land where you are a stranger. Doesn't that also mean "land that doesn't rightfully belong to you"?

Esau then saw that Isaac didn't want Jacob to marry a Canaanite (like he did), so Esau went to his uncle Ishmael.

⁹Then went Esau unto Ishmael, and took unto the wives which he had Mahalath the daughter of Ishmael Abraham's son, the sister of Nebajoth, to be his wife.

Esau is now married to three women.

Jacob travels toward Haran.

¹¹And he lighted upon a certain place, and tarried there all night, because the sun was set; and he took of the stones of that place, and put them for his pillows, and lay down in that place to sleep.

Stone pillows, surely aren't the most comfortable.

¹²And he dreamed, and behold a ladder set up on the earth, and the top of it reached to heaven: and behold the angels of God ascending and descending on it.

That's a long ladder.

¹³And, behold, the LORD stood above it, and said, I am the LORD God of Abraham thy father, and the God of Isaac: the land whereon thou liest, to thee will I give it, and to thy seed;

¹⁴And thy seed shall be as the dust of the earth, and thou shalt spread abroad to the west, and to the east, and to the north, and to the south: and in thee and in thy seed shall all the families of the earth be blessed.

Like a virus, or a weed.

Jacob wakes up, and makes an altar out of his stone pillows.

¹⁹And he called the name of that place Bethel: but the name of that city was called Luz at the first.

Oddly, Bethel has been listed twice so far (Gen 12:8 and 13:3) as a place people went to. It wasn't until now that it was actually named. Remember, Bethel means Beth El or "House of El" "House of God".

²⁰And Jacob vowed a vow, saying, If God will be with me, and will keep me in this way that I go, and will give me bread to eat, and raiment to put on,

²¹So that I come again to my father's house in peace; then shall the LORD be my God:

²²And this stone, which I have set for a pillar, shall be God's house: and of all that thou shalt give me I will surely give the tenth unto thee.

That's a rather interesting vow. If God will be with me, then he will be my God. If he's with you, why would you take a different god? Ok, nevermind, that's a stupid question. The closer the god of the bible is to people in the bible, the more they disobey him. If he's walking around with you, you'll probably commit some horrible deed, like ... oh... letting sin into the world.

Genesis 29

Jacob makes it to Haran. He sees some people at a well. There's a stone on the mouth of the well, the people remove it to water their flocks, then roll it back when they are done. Jacob asks how his uncle Laban is. We aren't told if he's ever met him yet. It doesn't seem like he has.

⁶And he said unto them, Is he well? And they said, He is well: and, behold, Rachel his daughter cometh with the sheep.

Rachel is coming.

¹⁰And it came to pass, when Jacob saw Rachel the daughter of Laban his mother's brother, and the sheep of Laban his mother's brother, that Jacob went near, and rolled the stone from the well's mouth, and watered the flock of Laban his mother's brother.

The first thing Jacob does in front of Rachel, is move the stone. His first act, is showing off.

¹¹And Jacob kissed Rachel, and lifted up his voice, and wept.

Then he kissed her, and he cried. Like a little sissy, he met a girl, kissed her, and cried.

¹³And it came to pass, when Laban heard the tidings of Jacob his sister's son, that he ran to meet him, and embraced him, and kissed him, and brought him to his house. And he told Laban all these things.

So, Jacob goes and lives with Laban for a month. (at least to start with)

¹⁵And Laban said unto Jacob, Because thou art my brother, shouldest thou therefore serve me for nought? tell me, what shall thy wages be?

Laban has two daughters, Rachel (the elder one), and Leah.

¹⁷Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured.

Rachel was quite the hottie, and had nice boobs. Leah was ... tender eyed. Apparently, the Hebrew word used was rak (רכות) which should mean "delicate and soft". Some translations take it to mean blue eyed. One story about her talks about how her eyes became weak. As she was the elder sister, she was supposed to marry the elder brother (Esau). Leah didn't want to marry Esau, so she spent a lot of time crying about being stuck with Esau. Other's say she was cross eyed. She probably just had Amblyopia, or "lazy eye". Lazy... Leah's Eye. Say Leah's Eye real quick and it almost sounds like Lazy... that's odd.

¹⁸And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter.

Seven years... How old is Jacob at this point? The last age we are given for him is in Genesis 26:34, when Esau was forty when he married Judith and Bashemath. Since they are twins, they are the same age. Esau took a wife from Ishmael shortly after he found out his parents didn't like hittite women. Also, inbetween the stories of Esau taking wives is the birthright story, so it probably wasn't too long after. They are most likely still forty... right? (Remember this).

¹⁹And Laban said, It is better that I give her to thee, than that I should give her to another man: abide with me.

Incest is better than taking a spouse from the surrounding people. Of course, inbreeding might lead to things like... oh, I don't know... a child being "tender eyed".

²⁰And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.

Seven years passed so quickly, because he was going to marry Rachel, the hottie. (He would have been 47-ish).

²²And Laban gathered together all the men of the place, and made a feast.

Laban threw a kick ass party, and everyone got drunk and happy.

²³And it came to pass in the evening, that he took Leah his daughter, and brought her to him; and he went in unto her.

Jacob got so drunk that he didn't even notice that Laban gave him Leah instead of Rachel. Jacob was so drunk that he didn't notice that he "went in unto" the "tender eyed" girl instead of the girl who was "beautiful and well favoured".

One of the symptoms of alcoholism is black-out drinking. Alcoholism can be hereditary. It pretty much started with Noah, who got blackout drunk then got raped by Ham. The next example is Lot, the nephew of Abraham, who got blackout drunk on consecutive nights and then got his two daughters pregnant. Now we see Jacob getting so drunk that he doesn't even notice that he's not even with the first girl he kissed (and then started crying like a little sissy).

²⁵And it came to pass, that in the morning, behold, it was Leah: and he said to Laban, What is this thou hast done unto me? did not I serve with thee for Rachel? wherefore then hast thou beguiled me?

Laban said, I'm not going to give my hot daughter to a drunk. ... wait, no that's not what he said.

²⁶And Laban said, It must not be so done in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn.

²⁷Fulfil her week, and we will give thee this also for the service which thou shalt serve with me yet seven other years.

So Jacob has to work for another 7 years to get Rachel. (That'll make him 54).

In the mean time, Laban gives Leah a handmaid named Zilpah. He also give Rachel a handmaid named Bilhah. Zilpah means "drooping", Bilhah means "bashful". Leah means "tired". Rachel means "purity". Jacob married four of the Seven Dwarfs.

³⁰And he went in also unto Rachel, and he loved also Rachel more than Leah, and served with him yet seven other years.

That's a good husband, loving one wife more than the other. Oh, and he works for another 7 years (61 years old).

³¹And when the LORD saw that Leah was hated, he opened her womb: but Rachel was barren.

Of course she was barren, that's what ALWAYS happens. Sarah, Rebekah, and now Rachel.

³²And Leah conceived, and bare a son, and she called his name Reuben: for she said, Surely the LORD hath looked upon my affliction; now therefore my husband will love me.

Having kids to make a marriage better is never a good idea.

Jacob's first child is Reuben. Reuben means one of several things. 1. Raa Beonyi, meaning "he has seen my misery" (looked upon my affliction). 2. Yeehabani , meaning "he will love me". 3. Ra'a ben, meaning behold, a son. It could also mean Ra'abil "wolves. At least it wasn't one of the seven dwarfs.

³³And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Because the LORD hath heard I was hated, he hath therefore given me this son also: and she called his name Simeon.

Son number two, Simeon. Simeon could mean many things as well. 1. Shama on, "he has heard". 2. Sham 'in "there is sin".

Anyway, even though Leah bore Reuben, Jacob still didn't love her. He didn't love her, but he still had sex with her.

³⁴And she conceived again, and bare a son; and said, Now this time will my husband be joined unto me, because I have born him three sons: therefore was his name called Levi.

Son number three, Levi. Levi means "attached" or "joining".

³⁵And she conceived again, and bare a son: and she said, Now will I praise the LORD: therefore she called his name Judah; and left bearing.

Son number four, Judah. Judah means "celebrated, praised".

You'll note that Leah finally got tired of trying to get attention and love from Jacob, and finally decided she'd praise the lord.

Jacob now has four sons, with the wife that he "hates".

Genesis 30

¹And when Rachel saw that she bare Jacob no children, Rachel envied her sister; and said unto Jacob, Give me children, or else I die.

Rachel was jealous of Leah. She had all the love of her husband, but not the kids. Leah was jealous of Rachel, Rachel had the love but not the kids. No one was happy.

²And Jacob's anger was kindled against Rachel: and he said, Am I in God's stead, who hath withheld from thee the fruit of the womb?

Jacob says, look, I'm going in unto you as much as I can, and as often as I can, it's not my fault you aren't pregnant, it's God who is keeping you from getting birthing hips.

³And she said, Behold my maid Bilhah, go in unto her; and she shall bear upon my knees, that I may also have children by her.

We know how well that worked with Hagar, I'm sure it works out just as good this time.

⁶And Rachel said, God hath judged me, and hath also heard my voice, and hath given me a son: therefore called she his name Dan.

Bilhah's first child (which belongs to Rachel) is Dan. Jacob's fifth. Dan means "judgment".

⁷And Bilhah Rachel's maid conceived again, and bare Jacob a second son.

⁸And Rachel said, With great wrestlings have I wrestled with my sister, and I have prevailed: and she called his name Naphtali.

Jacob seems to enjoy going in unto Bilhah. Son number six, Naphtali. Naphtali means "my struggle".

⁹When Leah saw that she had left bearing, she took Zilpah her maid, and gave her Jacob to wife.

Leah thinks she's done having kids, so she lets Zilpah get into the act. Jacob, of course, goes in unto Zilpah.

¹¹And Leah said, A troop cometh: and she called his name Gad.

Son number 7, Gad. Gad means "luck".

Leah said "a troop cometh". With Gad at 7, there's enough sons to have a basketball team. They could field a team for hockey (granted they'd be real tired). They are still short for soccer, football, and baseball.

¹²And Zilpah Leah's maid bare Jacob a second son.

¹³And Leah said, Happy am I, for the daughters will call me blessed: and she called his name Asher.

Asher is son number eight. Zilpah doesn't even get to name her kids. Leah does that. Asher means "happy".

¹⁴And Reuben went in the days of wheat harvest, and found mandrakes in the field, and brought them unto his mother Leah. Then Rachel said to Leah, Give me, I pray thee, of thy son's mandrakes.

Mandrakes are plants that are related to nightshades. They contain hallucinogenic alkaloids. The roots sometimes resemble humans. They were believed to help with fertility. That's why Rachel wanted them.

¹⁵And she said unto her, Is it a small matter that thou hast taken my husband? and wouldest thou take away my son's mandrakes also? And Rachel said, Therefore he shall lie with thee to night for thy son's mandrakes.

Oh, that's nice. The wives just pass Jacob around for a flower or two. Jacob probably spent most of the nights with Rachel, so that's why she was willing to send him over to Leah for a night, after she got the fertility flowers.

¹⁶And Jacob came out of the field in the evening, and Leah went out to meet him, and said, Thou must come in unto me; for surely I have hired thee with my son's mandrakes. And he lay with her that night.

Jacob didn't protest about being purchased for some mandrakes. He just knew he was going to have sex that night. With four wives, he probably had sex every night.

¹⁷And God hearkened unto Leah, and she conceived, and bare Jacob the fifth son.

¹⁸And Leah said, God hath given me my hire, because I have given my maiden to my husband: and she called his name Issachar.

Issachar is Jacobs ninth son. Issachar either comes from ish sakar, meaning "man of hire", because Jacob was "hired" that night for the mandrakes. The other name could be yesh sakar, meaning "there is a reward", thinking he (the baby) was a reward for giving Zilpah to Jacob. They now have all the position players and a pitcher in baseball.

¹⁹And Leah conceived again, and bare Jacob the sixth son.

²⁰And Leah said, God hath endued me with a good dowry; now will my husband dwell with me, because I have born him six sons: and she called his name Zebulun.

Zebulun makes ten. Zebulun means (probably) zebed, "gift"; or yizbeleni, "honor". It could also mean zibhe-tzedek, "sacrifice to justice". Zebulun makes it so that the sons could play 5 on 5 basketball. Or he allows the family to have a relief pitcher.

²¹And afterwards she bare a daughter, and called her name Dinah.

The only girl, Dinah. Finally a daughter. Ten sons and no daughters. Dinah means "judged; vindicated"

²²And God remembered Rachel, and God hearkened to her, and opened her womb.

God finally remember Rachel. After 11 other children, he remembers Rachel.

²⁴And she called his name Joseph; and said, The LORD shall add to me another son.

Joseph means "may Yahweh add". Rachel finally gets a child, and what does she do? Names the kid "I want another child please God".

²⁵And it came to pass, when Rachel had born Joseph, that Jacob said unto Laban, Send me away, that I may go unto mine own place, and to my country.

²⁶Give me my wives and my children, for whom I have served thee, and let me go: for thou knowest my service which I have done thee.

This is probably at the end of the third set of seven years, when Jacob would be 61.

²⁷And Laban said unto him, I pray thee, if I have found favour in thine eyes, tarry: for I have learned by experience that the LORD hath blessed me for thy sake.

²⁸And he said, Appoint me thy wages, and I will give it.

Laban asks Jacob to stay, because while Jacob was there, Laban got more stuff. Jacob says, he wants to go. Laban asks what he can give him, when he leaves.

³²I will pass through all thy flock to day, removing from thence all the speckled and spotted cattle, and all the brown cattle among the sheep, and the spotted and speckled among the goats: and of such shall be my hire.

³³So shall my righteousness answer for me in time to come, when it shall come for my hire before thy face: every one that is not speckled and spotted among the goats, and brown among the sheep, that shall be counted stolen with me.

Jacob asks for all the speckled and spotted cattle, the brown sheep, the spotted and speckled goats. They were the ones with blemishes, not the pure white ones. Laban says, good idea, take them.

³⁵And he removed that day the he goats that were ringstraked and spotted, and all the she goats that were speckled and spotted, and every one that had some white in it, and all the brown among the sheep, and gave them into the hand of his sons.

Jacob separates the blemished animals and sends them with his kids.

³⁷And Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chesnut tree; and pilled white strakes in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods.

³⁸And he set the rods which he had pilled before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink.

³⁹And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstraked, speckled, and spotted.

Remember, according to most people who believe the bible 100%, that evolution is false. They fully believe that the earth is roughly 6000 years old. They also must believe that taking sticks and putting white stripes on them can produce animal offspring if you place that in front of them while they are drinking.

⁴⁰And Jacob did separate the lambs, and set the faces of the flocks toward the ringstraked, and all the brown in the flock of Laban; and he put his own flocks by themselves, and put them not unto Laban's cattle.

Jacob now took the animals that were born with the stripes.

⁴¹And it came to pass, whensoever the stronger cattle did conceive, that Jacob laid the rods before the eyes of the cattle in the gutters, that they might conceive among the rods.

⁴²But when the cattle were feeble, he put them not in: so the feebler were Laban's, and the stronger Jacob's.

Jacob then used his magic striped sticks in front of cattle, but only the strong ones. The weak ones he left alone, so they became Laban's.

Things to ponder for today:

1. Racism is a family value in the bible. Abraham was racist. Isaac was racist. Laban was racist. You may say that they weren't racist since they lived in the land of the Hittites, and they were friends with them... but when you claim that you don't want your kids to marry someone, that's when your true feelings come out.

2. How drunk do you have to be to have sex with a girl expecting it to be the one great love of your life, only to wake up next to her older, not as pretty, not as boobalicious sister? I don't think I've ever gotten drunk enough that I wouldn't be able to tell my significant other from her sisters.

3. At this point, Jacob didn't quite love Leah; he definitely had no feelings for Zilpah and Bilhah; the only person he actually had feelings for was Rachel. He still "went in unto" Leah, Zilpah, and Bilhah, a little thing like actually "loving" his wives didn't get in the way of him having sex. He's at least in his 50's when he had children, this is before Viagra.

4. Is having children a good way to get your spouse to love you?

5. I wonder if Jacob used any stripey sticks tricks to ensure that he only had boys, except for the time when he had Dinah.

6. Do you believe that putting striped sticks in front of livestock will cause the newborns to come out with stripes?