Day 8. Genesis 22-24

Genesis 22-24

Genesis 22

¹And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am.

God tempted Abraham. Why did god tempt Abraham? God wanted Abraham to prove his loyalty to his god.

²And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.

Thine only son? What about Ishmael? Or perhaps he means, the only son that Abraham loves, because sending away your other son is a sure sign that you don't love them. Many people give their kids up for adoption, one of the main reasons (it seems) is that it was an unwanted pregnancy and the mother couldn't afford the child. We know that Abraham is quite rich, so that's not the case. He did it because he was married to Sarah. She is actually quite the bitch. They make a good couple. He's douchie enough to send away his firstborn son, because his first wife, who is pretty, told him to.

Did Abraham actually feel love for Sarah, or was it just her beauty he was in love with. According to Jewish mythology, she was one of the most beautiful women to have ever lived. She was so beautiful that all other people seemed like apes in comparison. (this isn't in the actual bible, but in some other works). She also was a prophetess, apparently not good enough to see in the future that giving Hagar to Abraham would really piss her off though.

³And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, and Isaac his son, and clave the wood for the burnt offering, and rose up, and went unto the place of which God had told him.

Abraham takes Isaac and two men with him to go do the sacrifice. You'll note that Abraham so far hasn't asked "why?" He hasn't even acted like he was going to refuse to do it.

⁶And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering, and laid it upon Isaac his son; and he took the fire in his hand, and a knife; and they went both of them together.

The asshole is about to kill his son, and he makes Isaac carry the wood.

⁷And Isaac spake unto Abraham his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I, my son. And he said, Behold the fire and the wood: but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?

⁸And Abraham said, My son, God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering: so they went both of them together.

Abraham then lies to his son, that he is about to kill. Granted, Abraham was used to killing people and not feeling remorse. Perhaps he learned something from the 10 righteous people time back in Sodom. When god wants to kill a bunch of people, he's going to do it, you'll note god didn't take the bargaining down to 4 people.

⁹And they came to the place which God had told him of; and Abraham built an altar there, and laid the wood in order, and bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar upon the wood.

We aren't told if Isaac struggled. We aren't told if Abraham was sad to do this. The only thing we know is that Abraham did it without question.

¹⁰And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.

Mom who said she killed on God's orders acquitted

Father: God Told Me to Sacrifice Wife, Children

Currently, people who believe god tells them to kill their children are classified as insane. If it's in the bible, then that person is to be revered.

An angel stops Abraham.

¹²And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me.

So it's only ATTEMPTED murder.

¹³And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold behind him a ram caught in a thicket by his horns: and Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son.

Thank heavens there was an animal caught there, so that the god who asked for the child sacrifice could get his bloodlust satisfied; even if it is only a ram, and not a human sacrifice.

The angel continues.

¹⁶And said, By myself have I sworn, saith the LORD, for because thou hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thine only son:

¹⁷That in blessing I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of his enemies;

¹⁸And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice.

Because Abraham didn't withhold his son, he will be blessed. Except, he's already been given this blessing? Well, maybe not this exact one, in Gen 13:16 his seed was to be like the dust; in Gen. 16:10 it was innumerable; this time it's like sand on the sea. God likes to repeat himself.


²⁰And it came to pass after these things, that it was told Abraham, saying, Behold, Milcah, she hath also born children unto thy brother Nahor;

Nahor, Abraham's brother had some children. Huz, Buz, Kemuel, Chesed, Hazo, Pildash, Jidlaph, Bethuel were born of Milcah. Tebah, Gaham, Thahash, and Maachah were born of Reumah (his concubine).

Bethuel was the father of Rebekah. We are told all these births because Rebekah is important. Rebekah is the great-niece of Abraham.
Isaac is the son of Abraham.


Genesis 23

¹And Sarah was an hundred and seven and twenty years old: these were the years of the life of Sarah.

²And Sarah died in Kirjatharba; the same is Hebron in the land of Canaan: and Abraham came to mourn for Sarah, and to weep for her.

Sarah died at 127. Jewish mythology holds that she died one of two ways, both deal with the attempted sacrifice of Isaac.

1. Samael (the archangel) told her that Abraham sacrificed Isaac, and she died of grief.
2. Satan (in the form of an old man) told her Isaac was sacrificed. She cried... alot, but got comfort in the belief that god told Abraham to do it. So she went to go find Abraham. Then satan tells her that it's not true, and she died of joy.

Abraham then attempts to buy a cave to bury her in.

⁹That he may give me the cave of Machpelah, which he hath, which is in the end of his field; for as much money as it is worth he shall give it me for a possession of a buryingplace amongst you.

This cave fills up with people over time.

¹¹Nay, my lord, hear me: the field give I thee, and the cave that is therein, I give it thee; in the presence of the sons of my people give I it thee: bury thy dead.

The extremely rich Abraham didn't have to pay for the cave, they wanted to give it to him.

He wanted to pay for it.

¹⁵My lord, hearken unto me: the land is worth four hundred shekels of silver; what is that betwixt me and thee? bury therefore thy dead.

It's worth 400 shekels. Abraham wound up paying for it.

¹⁶And Abraham hearkened unto Ephron; and Abraham weighed to Ephron the silver, which he had named in the audience of the sons of Heth, four hundred shekels of silver, current money with the merchant.

Current money.

¹⁹And after this, Abraham buried Sarah his wife in the cave of the field of Machpelah before Mamre: the same is Hebron in the land of Canaan.

They are/were (supposedly) buried in the Cave of the Patriarchs, or the Cave of Machpelah. Bones were found in there, the guy who did the digging claimed he knew who's bones they were.

An early Jewish text, the Genesis Rabba, states that this site is one of three that the nations of the world cannot taunt Israel and say ‘you have stolen them.’ it being purchased "for its full price" by Abraham.

Apparently, claiming Israel has stolen things is a common practice.

Genesis 24

¹And Abraham was old, and well stricken in age: and the LORD had blessed Abraham in all things.

Sarah's dead, and Abraham is old.

²And Abraham said unto his eldest servant of his house, that ruled over all that he had, Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh:

A thigh oath. Actually, it was probably a testicle oath. Apparently the word "testify" is from the same word as testis (testicles). Which means to swear a ball oath. So Abraham made his servant grab his balls and swear something... what was it?

³And I will make thee swear by the LORD, the God of heaven, and the God of the earth, that thou shalt not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell:

What a racist asshole. Remember, the Canaanites were black. So Abraham said "don't let my son marry no (n word)". Add this to the list of great attributes of Abraham.

⁴But thou shalt go unto my country, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son Isaac.

Incest is better than marrying a black girl.

⁵And the servant said unto him, Peradventure the woman will not be willing to follow me unto this land: must I needs bring thy son again unto the land from whence thou camest?

The servant is still standing there holding Abraham's balls asking "what if she won't come back?"

Abraham says someone will come back.

¹⁰And the servant took ten camels of the camels of his master, and departed; for all the goods of his master were in his hand: and he arose, and went to Mesopotamia, unto the city of Nahor.

There are two Nahor's. One was Abraham's brother, the other his grandfather.

The servant prayed.

¹²And he said O LORD God of my master Abraham, I pray thee, send me good speed this day, and shew kindness unto my master Abraham.

¹³Behold, I stand here by the well of water; and the daughters of the men of the city come out to draw water:

¹⁴And let it come to pass, that the damsel to whom I shall say, Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: let the same be she that thou hast appointed for thy servant Isaac; and thereby shall I know that thou hast shewed kindness unto my master.

You'll note that god wasn't the god of the servant. (The servant was probably Eliezer from Gen. 15:2) Eliezer prayed that when the women come out to get water, he'll ask them for some water, and the one who gives him water will be the one to marry Isaac.

¹⁵And it came to pass, before he had done speaking, that, behold, Rebekah came out, who was born to Bethuel, son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham's brother, with her pitcher upon her shoulder.

¹⁶And the damsel was very fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her: and she went down to the well, and filled her pitcher, and came up.

Hey, remember Rebekah from earlier? The great-niece of Abraham. Apparently she's a hottie like her great-aunt Sarah. She's a virgin too, whoo hooo.

The servant (who isn't named, but it's assumed to be Eliezer) asked her for water. She gave him some. Then she said she'll get some for his camels too. HUZZAH!!!

²¹And the man wondering at her held his peace, to wit whether the LORD had made his journey prosperous or not.

He was shocked that what he prayed for actually happened.

²²And it came to pass, as the camels had done drinking, that the man took a golden earring of half a shekel weight, and two bracelets for her hands of ten shekels weight of gold;

²³And said, Whose daughter art thou? tell me, I pray thee: is there room in thy father's house for us to lodge in?

No wonder she got him water, he was all blinged out. Abraham paid 400 shekels of silver for the caves that he's buried in, his servant paid 20.5 shekels of gold for some water.

She told him she was the daughter of Bethuel, the granddaughter of Nahor.

²⁹And Rebekah had a brother, and his name was Laban: and Laban ran out unto the man, unto the well.

Laban will be important later.

The servant tells his story to Laban:

³⁵And the LORD hath blessed my master greatly; and he is become great: and he hath given him flocks, and herds, and silver, and gold, and menservants, and maidservants, and camels, and asses.

³⁶And Sarah my master's wife bare a son to my master when she was old: and unto him hath he given all that he hath.

Isaac will get everything.

³⁷And my master made me swear, saying, Thou shalt not take a wife to my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I dwell:

³⁸But thou shalt go unto my father's house, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son.

No black wives though.

He tells the story of how Abraham made him swear on his nuts. He tells how he pray for water and water for his camels. He tells exactly the same thing that has already been told in this chapter.

⁵⁰Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said, The thing proceedeth from the LORD: we cannot speak unto thee bad or good.

⁵¹Behold, Rebekah is before thee, take her, and go, and let her be thy master's son's wife, as the LORD hath spoken.

Laban freely gives away his sister. He'll get more stingy as times go by.

They ask if she wants to go, she says sure. So she takes off with the servant.

⁶³And Isaac went out to meditate in the field at the eventide: and he lifted up his eyes, and saw, and, behold, the camels were coming.

The camels are coming, the camels are coming.

⁶⁴And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.

She was happy that she wasn't getting married to a troll. He was probably happy that he didn't have to marry one of the black town girls.

⁶⁷And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death.

Nothing comforts a guy over his mothers death, like having a new wife who is a close cousin.

Points to ponder:

1. Abraham didn't necessarily want his son to marry one of his cousins so much that he didn't want him to marry a Canaanite.
2. I know I'm getting way ahead of myself, but take a look at James 1:13. ¹³Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man Meanwhile Genesis 22:1 says that God did tempt Abraham. Which of these verses is incorrect?
3. Why does Gen. 22:2 say Isaac is Abraham's only son? Does Abraham remember Ishmael anymore? Did he just assume that Hagar and Ishmael were dead?
4. If God tells you to sacrifice your children, would you do it? Would you seek medical help first?
5. Are you willing to swear on your nuts?
6. The new testament is about Jesus. God goes from not wanting a human sacrifice to demanding one, this time, it's his own son though. God doesn't want to be shown up, he doesn't give his own son the last second reprieve with the goat in stuck in the bushes.