Day 9. Genesis 25-27

Genesis 25-27

Genesis 25

¹Then again Abraham took a wife, and her name was Keturah.

Keturah was the mother of Zimran, Jokshan, Medan, Midian, Ishbak, and Shuah. So, in addition to Ishmael and Isaac, Abraham wound up having a lot of kids. This is all after Sarah is dead, and Abraham is well into his 100's.

⁵And Abraham gave all that he had unto Isaac.

Well, he had already given a bottle of water to Ishmael, what more did he have to give away?

⁶But unto the sons of the concubines, which Abraham had, Abraham gave gifts, and sent them away from Isaac his son, while he yet lived, eastward, unto the east country.

Will Isaac wind up having similar family values as Abraham?

⁷And these are the days of the years of Abraham's life which he lived, an hundred threescore and fifteen years.

⁸Then Abraham gave up the ghost, and died in a good old age, an old man, and full of years; and was gathered to his people.

Abraham lived 175 years. Good old age, an old man, full of years... don't those all mean the same thing? Why the repetition?

⁹And his sons Isaac and Ishmael buried him in the cave of Machpelah, in the field of Ephron the son of Zohar the Hittite, which is before Mamre;

¹⁰The field which Abraham purchased of the sons of Heth: there was Abraham buried, and Sarah his wife.

Nice of Ishmael to come back for the burial. No one is sure where he grew up, the Quran claims that Abraham and Ishmael built the Kaaba in Mecca, so it was around there. Abraham then moved to Israel, near the area where he bought the grave. So, from the time Abraham died, someone got word to Ishmael in (probably) what is now Saudi Arabia, and he got back in time to bury his father.

¹¹And it came to pass after the death of Abraham, that God blessed his son Isaac; and Isaac dwelt by the well Lahairoi.

God wound up blessing most of Abraham's children. Two of them (in theory) still have people who trace their lineage back to Abraham. The sons of Keturah didn't fare so well (except for one).

Verses 12-16 are the children of Ishmael. None of them really stand out.

¹⁷And these are the years of the life of Ishmael, an hundred and thirty and seven years: and he gave up the ghost and died; and was gathered unto his people.

Oh... just found some interesting stuff, about Hagar. Apparently, some Jewish tradition holds that the real name of Hagar is actually Keturah. This tradition says that after the death of Sarah, Abraham looked for her, and found her, that would explain why Ishmael was able to make it back so quickly for Abraham's burial. The muslim Hajj is based on Hagar's search for water for Ishmael.

So, if Ishmael was gathered to his people, his people would be Abraham and Hagar. If he's out roaming the desert in Saudi Arabia, what people would he be gathered to?

¹⁹And these are the generations of Isaac, Abraham's son: Abraham begat Isaac:

²⁰And Isaac was forty years old when he took Rebekah to wife, the daughter of Bethuel the Syrian of Padanaram, the sister to Laban the Syrian.

Isaac was forty when he married Rebekah. That's the same time when Sarah died. Remember, in Gen. 24:67 she became his wife, and comforted him at his mothers passing. He was 40 when he got married, and got over his mothers death. He doesn't seem like a mature 40 year old.

²¹And Isaac intreated the LORD for his wife, because she was barren: and the LORD was intreated of him, and Rebekah his wife conceived.

Well, she was Sarah's great niece, so being barren (and hot) was probably a family trait.

²²And the children struggled together within her; and she said, If it be so, why am I thus? And she went to enquire of the LORD.

²³And the LORD said unto her, Two nations are in thy womb, and two manner of people shall be separated from thy bowels; and the one people shall be stronger than the other people; and the elder shall serve the younger.

Not only was she pregnant, it was twins.

²⁵And the first came out red, all over like an hairy garment; and they called his name Esau.

They had a red hairy baby.... eeew. Esau, in Hebrew, means "hairy". So, as is custom with biblical originality, they named their hairy child, Harry.

²⁶And after that came his brother out, and his hand took hold on Esau's heel; and his name was called Jacob: and Isaac was threescore years old when she bare them.

The second child was named Jacob. Here we have the brothers, Jacob and Esau. Isaac was 60 when they were born. Abraham was 100 when Isaac was born; he would have been 160 when the fraternal twins were born. He didn't die until they were 15. Why there is no interaction listed between Abraham and them is unknown.

²⁷And the boys grew: and Esau was a cunning hunter, a man of the field; and Jacob was a plain man, dwelling in tents.

Dwelling in his momma's tents. Esau was a man's man. Jacob was a momma's boy.

²⁸And Isaac loved Esau, because he did eat of his venison: but Rebekah loved Jacob.

Dad loves his masculine son, mom loves her little helper.

²⁹And Jacob sod pottage: and Esau came from the field, and he was faint:

³⁰And Esau said to Jacob, Feed me, I pray thee, with that same red pottage; for I am faint: therefore was his name called Edom.

Edom, that will be an area named after Esau. There will also be the Edomites, who are of his lineage. Edom means "red". So his full name is probably Edom-Esau; red and hairy. The red pottage is red lentil stew.

³¹And Jacob said, Sell me this day thy birthright.

Apparently Isaac was going to follow tradition and give everything to the firstborn. Wait, what tradition? Isaac got everything from Abraham and he was the second born. Ishmael should have gotten the birthright. This birthright concept has to have been added later. There is no mention of a birthright in the bible before this point. There have been a series of brothers, but not once has their been any talk of the firstborn receiving a larger inheritance, if anything, they've gotten the shaft.

³²And Esau said, Behold, I am at the point to die: and what profit shall this birthright do to me?

Esau must have known that uncle Ishmael didn't get the bigger share, of grandpa Abraham's wealth. He also saw his other uncles having great riches. He's a man of the field. He's a hunter. He would have no use for many tents, and riches. It would do him no good. (he's probably only 15 now too.)

³³And Jacob said, Swear to me this day; and he sware unto him: and he sold his birthright unto Jacob.

³⁴Then Jacob gave Esau bread and pottage of lentiles; and he did eat and drink, and rose up, and went his way: thus Esau despised his birthright.

Jacob was the original soup nazi. You want soup, ONE BIRTHRIGHT!!!

Genesis 26

¹And there was a famine in the land, beside the first famine that was in the days of Abraham. And Isaac went unto Abimelech king of the Philistines unto Gerar.

There's a lot of famine in this area. As a child I always wondered about the terrain. I grew up in Green Bay, Wisconsin. Sure we had snow, and cold, but we had four seasons. I've never heard of a famine in Wisconsin. I always figured that places like Germany and France, in Europe; would have a similar climate to Wisconsin. Then you look at pictures of Israel. It looks like a desert. There's rocks and caves and sand. It doesn't look like a great place to live. Now, there's a famine. When there's a famine, where do the people run to? Egypt. Why Egypt? Egypt does have the Nile, it floods every year and creates a fertile area to plant crops. But other than that, the place is a desert. Why didn't they ever run north? Why was it always south? If they are going to go on a 400 mile walk for food, why don't they go up to Germany?

²And the LORD appeared unto him, and said, Go not down into Egypt; dwell in the land which I shall tell thee of:

³Sojourn in this land, and I will be with thee, and will bless thee; for unto thee, and unto thy seed, I will give all these countries, and I will perform the oath which I sware unto Abraham thy father;

This time, god said, don't run to Egypt. Stick out this famine.

⁴And I will make thy seed to multiply as the stars of heaven, and will give unto thy seed all these countries; and in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed;

Stars, sand, innumerable, dust, it's another seed promise. Behold, I will make over population on the earth of thee.

⁶And Isaac dwelt in Gerar:

Isaac stayed put.

⁷And the men of the place asked him of his wife; and he said, She is my sister: for he feared to say, She is my wife; lest, said he, the men of the place should kill me for Rebekah; because she was fair to look upon.

You are kidding me, right? Isaac did the same "she's my sister" thing that his dad did. I wonder how this turns out.

⁸And it came to pass, when he had been there a long time, that Abimelech king of the Philistines looked out at a window, and saw, and, behold, Isaac was sporting with Rebekah his wife.

⁹And Abimelech called Isaac, and said, Behold, of a surety she is thy wife; and how saidst thou, She is my sister? And Isaac said unto him, Because I said, Lest I die for her.

Abimelech? The same Abimelech? Probably not, most likely it's the son of Abimelech, "Benmelech" he might have changed his name when his dad died and he became king.

¹⁰And Abimelech said, What is this thou hast done unto us? one of the people might lightly have lien with thy wife, and thou shouldest have brought guiltiness upon us.

¹¹And Abimelech charged all his people, saying, He that toucheth this man or his wife shall surely be put to death.

Once again, we see after the "she's my sister" story, that the person who tells it profits greatly. Remember that the next time you are out with your wife. If you are in a new country, just say she's your sister and see if they give you half the kingdom.

¹³And the man waxed great, and went forward, and grew until he became very great:

¹⁴For he had possession of flocks, and possession of herds, and great store of servants: and the Philistines envied him.

Everyone envies a rich man.

¹⁶And Abimelech said unto Isaac, Go from us; for thou art much mightier than we.

¹⁷And Isaac departed thence, and pitched his tent in the valley of Gerar, and dwelt there.

We see Isaac, who only had the two sons, had enough men that he could have taken over parts of Palestine. This is the area that's promised to them, why didn't they just take it?

Isaac's servants then dig some wells, get into fights, dig more wells, and move some more.

²³And he went up from thence to Beersheba.

Maybe...

²⁴And the LORD appeared unto him the same night, and said, I am the God of Abraham thy father: fear not, for I am with thee, and will bless thee, and multiply thy seed for my servant Abraham's sake.

Isaac got blessed, not for what he did, but for what Abraham did.

²⁵And he builded an altar there, and called upon the name of the LORD, and pitched his tent there: and there Isaac's servants digged a well.

Again, I wonder, why would you live in a place where you have to keep digging wells, why not move to a place with running water, that gets rain?

²⁶Then Abimelech went to him from Gerar, and Ahuzzath one of his friends, and Phichol the chief captain of his army.

Abimelech asks for a peace treaty. They all agree, have a feast and leave the next day.

³²And it came to pass the same day, that Isaac's servants came, and told him concerning the well which they had digged, and said unto him, We have found water.

There's plenty of water up north. In fact, there's no history of people living in Germania for another couple hundred years.

³³And he called it Shebah: therefore the name of the city is Beersheba unto this day.

Wait a second, in verse 23 it says he went to Beersheba. Now it says that he called it Shebah. Shouldn't verse 23 say, "he went to the place that was unnamed and later would be called beersheba".

³⁴And Esau was forty years old when he took to wife Judith the daughter of Beeri the Hittite, and Bashemath the daughter of Elon the Hittite:

Esau was 40, like his dad was, when he took a wife. In fact, he took two wives. This must have called for lots of celebration from the Isaac clan.

³⁵Which were a grief of mind unto Isaac and to Rebekah.

Nope, there was no celebration for Isaac and Rebekah. Why? Esau married daughters of the Hittites. The Hittites are of Heth (remember, Abraham bought the cave from the people of Heth). Heth was the second son of Canaan. The Canaanites are/were black, the Hittites would have also been black. Isaac and Rebekah were just as racist as Abraham, when he said his son wouldn't marry no N-word.

Genesis 27

¹And it came to pass, that when Isaac was old, and his eyes were dim, so that he could not see, he called Esau his eldest son, and said unto him, My son: and he said unto him, Behold, here am I.

Eyes were dim means he couldn't see very well. Esau was still his favorite son. Jacob was the mama's boy, and even though Isaac was a momma's boy too, he liked his masculine hairy son Esau better.

³Now therefore take, I pray thee, thy weapons, thy quiver and thy bow, and go out to the field, and take me some venison;

⁴And make me savoury meat, such as I love, and bring it to me, that I may eat; that my soul may bless thee before I die.

Interesting, the old man couldn't see very well, but he still had his appetite. Oddly, he must have still had his teeth because he wanted some wild venison. Which is usually somewhat chewy. I find it hard to believe that during this time period, people who lived to be in their 100's still had their teeth. But they probably didn't eat much sugar, so it is possible.

⁵And Rebekah heard when Isaac spake to Esau his son. And Esau went to the field to hunt for venison, and to bring it.

⁶And Rebekah spake unto Jacob her son, saying, Behold, I heard thy father speak unto Esau thy brother, saying,

Rebekah still loved Jacob (the sissy) better than Esau (the hairy hunter). They are probably in their 40's (as Esau married the ni.... hittites).

⁹Go now to the flock, and fetch me from thence two good kids of the goats; and I will make them savoury meat for thy father, such as he loveth:

Rebekah knows that her little pusillanimous son won't be able to make the savoury meat. All he's good at is making lentil soup.

¹⁰And thou shalt bring it to thy father, that he may eat, and that he may bless thee before his death.

Rebekah wants her favorite mama's boy son to get the blessing instead of the one who actually deserves it.

¹¹And Jacob said to Rebekah his mother, Behold, Esau my brother is a hairy man, and I am a smooth man:

¹²My father peradventure will feel me, and I shall seem to him as a deceiver; and I shall bring a curse upon me, and not a blessing.

Esau is hairy... hairy is hairy. How hairy is he?

¹³And his mother said unto him, Upon me be thy curse, my son: only obey my voice, and go fetch me them.

How much did she have to hate Esau to go to all this trouble to steal a blessing? Did his marriage to the hittites really piss her off that much? Was she thinking "i don't want to be the grandmother to any half hittite baby!"

Jacob goes and gets the goats, and Rebekah prepares the meats. Then she takes some of Esau's clothes and puts them on Jacob.

¹⁶And she put the skins of the kids of the goats upon his hands, and upon the smooth of his neck:

Esau is so hairy, that her mother believes that goat skins will fool her husband who is going blind.

¹⁸And he came unto his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I; who art thou, my son?

¹⁹And Jacob said unto his father, I am Esau thy first born; I have done according as thou badest me: arise, I pray thee, sit and eat of my venison, that thy soul may bless me.

Jacob lies. Granted, this blessing was part of the birthright (possibly). Is a family blessing an actual piece of inheritance that can be transferred?

²⁰And Isaac said unto his son, How is it that thou hast found it so quickly, my son? And he said, Because the LORD thy God brought it to me.

Isaac is thinking that something is going on, he just doesn't know exactly what it is yet.

²¹And Isaac said unto Jacob, Come near, I pray thee, that I may feel thee, my son, whether thou be my very son Esau or not.

²²And Jacob went near unto Isaac his father; and he felt him, and said, The voice is Jacob's voice, but the hands are the hands of Esau.

Hmmm, you got the meat really fast, you sound like Jacob, but feel like Esau.

²³And he discerned him not, because his hands were hairy, as his brother Esau's hands: so he blessed him.

...

²⁵And he said, Bring it near to me, and I will eat of my son's venison, that my soul may bless thee. And he brought it near to him, and he did eat: and he brought him wine and he drank.

Now we've got the food test, which Jacob passed.

²⁶And his father Isaac said unto him, Come near now, and kiss me, my son.

²⁷And he came near, and kissed him: and he smelled the smell of his raiment, and blessed him, and said, See, the smell of my son is as the smell of a field which the LORD hath blessed:

Finally, he passed the smell test.

²⁸Therefore God give thee of the dew of heaven, and the fatness of the earth, and plenty of corn and wine:

²⁹Let people serve thee, and nations bow down to thee: be lord over thy brethren, and let thy mother's sons bow down to thee: cursed be every one that curseth thee, and blessed be he that blesseth thee.

So, Isaac blessed Jacob instead of Esau. This whole dilemma could have been overcame if there would have been a comma after the word "therefore" and another word and a comma inserted before "God". All he had to say was... "Therefore, Esau, God..."But the blessing was to whoever was standing there. It just so happens to be the wrong person. But it can be fixed... right?

³⁰And it came to pass, as soon as Isaac had made an end of blessing Jacob, and Jacob was yet scarce gone out from the presence of Isaac his father, that Esau his brother came in from his hunting.

Esau shows up mere seconds after Jacob leaves. That means that he did get the hunting done quickly.

Isaac asks, who was there. Esau says it's him, Esau.

³³And Isaac trembled very exceedingly, and said, Who? where is he that hath taken venison, and brought it me, and I have eaten of all before thou camest, and have blessed him? yea, and he shall be blessed.

So it's not a blessing for whoever was in the room, it was for whoever brought him venison first.

³⁴And when Esau heard the words of his father, he cried with a great and exceeding bitter cry, and said unto his father, Bless me, even me also, O my father.

Surely there's some blessing left for Esau?

³⁷And Isaac answered and said unto Esau, Behold, I have made him thy lord, and all his brethren have I given to him for servants; and with corn and wine have I sustained him: and what shall I do now unto thee, my son?

³⁸And Esau said unto his father, Hast thou but one blessing, my father? bless me, even me also, O my father. And Esau lifted up his voice, and wept.

Apparently, there's no blessing left. But wait, Isaac seems to want to bless Esau. This means that Isaac was able to forgive Esau for marrying the Hittite. Wait... hold on a second. Why would Esau have to be forgiven for marrying someone he loves?

³⁹And Isaac his father answered and said unto him, Behold, thy dwelling shall be the fatness of the earth, and of the dew of heaven from above;

⁴⁰And by thy sword shalt thou live, and shalt serve thy brother; and it shall come to pass when thou shalt have the dominion, that thou shalt break his yoke from off thy neck.

This is the blessing that Esau gets. How is it a problem? It's pretty much what he does. He isn't a farmer, a shepherd or a rancher; he's a hunter. He doesn't eat sheep, he eats deer. Every so often, he doesn't get a deer and has to sell his birthright for lentil soup. But that's because he exaggerates how hungry he is. This blessing isn't really a problem.

⁴¹And Esau hated Jacob because of the blessing wherewith his father blessed him: and Esau said in his heart, The days of mourning for my father are at hand; then will I slay my brother Jacob.

Esau plans to kill Jacob. He'll do it after Isaac dies and the appropriate mourning time is over.

Rebekah hears about Esau's plans, so she doesn't try to calm him down (he'd probably want to kill her too, since she's the one who pretty much orchestrated the whole incident) she thinks it's best to have Jacob run away, which will also help remove suspicion from her.

⁴³Now therefore, my son, obey my voice; arise, flee thou to Laban my brother to Haran;

⁴⁴And tarry with him a few days, until thy brother's fury turn away;

⁴⁵Until thy brother's anger turn away from thee, and he forget that which thou hast done to him: then I will send, and fetch thee from thence: why should I be deprived also of you both in one day?

"of you both" doesn't mean Jacob and Esau, it means Isaac and Jacob. Since Esau was going to kill Jacob after Isaac dies.

The racist Rebekah goes and talks to Isaac.

⁴⁶And Rebekah said to Isaac, I am weary of my life because of the daughters of Heth: if Jacob take a wife of the daughters of Heth, such as these which are of the daughters of the land, what good shall my life do me?

She's was angry about Esau marrying a hittite. There's no way she's going to let he little boy Jacob marry a hittie.

Points to ponder for today:

1. Is marrying your cousin better than marrying a hittite?

2. Why is there only one blessing?

3. Why stay in Israel? There's a whole world out there. Why run to Egypt when there's trouble? How come the rest of the world isn't ever explored.

4. So far, the main biblical patriarchs have been: Adam; Noah; Abraham; Isaac; and now Jacob.

Adam, the person who ate the fruit that brought sin into the world.

Noah, the guy who got so drunk he was raped by his son.

Abraham, the guy who abandoned his first son and routinely lies about his wife so that he won't get injured.

Isaac, also lied about his marital status; doesn't want his sons to marry a hittite (black person).

Jacob, tricks his brother out of his birthright, tricks his father out of the blessing for the person who really deserves it.

These are the main people who are chosen by god.

Day 8. Genesis 22-24

Genesis 22-24

Genesis 22

¹And it came to pass after these things, that God did tempt Abraham, and said unto him, Abraham: and he said, Behold, here I am.

God tempted Abraham. Why did god tempt Abraham? God wanted Abraham to prove his loyalty to his god.

²And he said, Take now thy son, thine only son Isaac, whom thou lovest, and get thee into the land of Moriah; and offer him there for a burnt offering upon one of the mountains which I will tell thee of.

Thine only son? What about Ishmael? Or perhaps he means, the only son that Abraham loves, because sending away your other son is a sure sign that you don't love them. Many people give their kids up for adoption, one of the main reasons (it seems) is that it was an unwanted pregnancy and the mother couldn't afford the child. We know that Abraham is quite rich, so that's not the case. He did it because he was married to Sarah. She is actually quite the bitch. They make a good couple. He's douchie enough to send away his firstborn son, because his first wife, who is pretty, told him to.

Did Abraham actually feel love for Sarah, or was it just her beauty he was in love with. According to Jewish mythology, she was one of the most beautiful women to have ever lived. She was so beautiful that all other people seemed like apes in comparison. (this isn't in the actual bible, but in some other works). She also was a prophetess, apparently not good enough to see in the future that giving Hagar to Abraham would really piss her off though.

³And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and saddled his ass, and took two of his young men with him, and Isaac his son, and clave the wood for the burnt offering, and rose up, and went unto the place of which God had told him.

Abraham takes Isaac and two men with him to go do the sacrifice. You'll note that Abraham so far hasn't asked "why?" He hasn't even acted like he was going to refuse to do it.

⁶And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering, and laid it upon Isaac his son; and he took the fire in his hand, and a knife; and they went both of them together.

The asshole is about to kill his son, and he makes Isaac carry the wood.

⁷And Isaac spake unto Abraham his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I, my son. And he said, Behold the fire and the wood: but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?

⁸And Abraham said, My son, God will provide himself a lamb for a burnt offering: so they went both of them together.

Abraham then lies to his son, that he is about to kill. Granted, Abraham was used to killing people and not feeling remorse. Perhaps he learned something from the 10 righteous people time back in Sodom. When god wants to kill a bunch of people, he's going to do it, you'll note god didn't take the bargaining down to 4 people.

⁹And they came to the place which God had told him of; and Abraham built an altar there, and laid the wood in order, and bound Isaac his son, and laid him on the altar upon the wood.

We aren't told if Isaac struggled. We aren't told if Abraham was sad to do this. The only thing we know is that Abraham did it without question.

¹⁰And Abraham stretched forth his hand, and took the knife to slay his son.

Mom who said she killed on God's orders acquitted

Father: God Told Me to Sacrifice Wife, Children

Currently, people who believe god tells them to kill their children are classified as insane. If it's in the bible, then that person is to be revered.

An angel stops Abraham.

¹²And he said, Lay not thine hand upon the lad, neither do thou any thing unto him: for now I know that thou fearest God, seeing thou hast not withheld thy son, thine only son from me.

So it's only ATTEMPTED murder.

¹³And Abraham lifted up his eyes, and looked, and behold behind him a ram caught in a thicket by his horns: and Abraham went and took the ram, and offered him up for a burnt offering in the stead of his son.

Thank heavens there was an animal caught there, so that the god who asked for the child sacrifice could get his bloodlust satisfied; even if it is only a ram, and not a human sacrifice.

The angel continues.

¹⁶And said, By myself have I sworn, saith the LORD, for because thou hast done this thing, and hast not withheld thy son, thine only son:

¹⁷That in blessing I will bless thee, and in multiplying I will multiply thy seed as the stars of the heaven, and as the sand which is upon the sea shore; and thy seed shall possess the gate of his enemies;

¹⁸And in thy seed shall all the nations of the earth be blessed; because thou hast obeyed my voice.

Because Abraham didn't withhold his son, he will be blessed. Except, he's already been given this blessing? Well, maybe not this exact one, in Gen 13:16 his seed was to be like the dust; in Gen. 16:10 it was innumerable; this time it's like sand on the sea. God likes to repeat himself.


²⁰And it came to pass after these things, that it was told Abraham, saying, Behold, Milcah, she hath also born children unto thy brother Nahor;

Nahor, Abraham's brother had some children. Huz, Buz, Kemuel, Chesed, Hazo, Pildash, Jidlaph, Bethuel were born of Milcah. Tebah, Gaham, Thahash, and Maachah were born of Reumah (his concubine).

Bethuel was the father of Rebekah. We are told all these births because Rebekah is important. Rebekah is the great-niece of Abraham.
Isaac is the son of Abraham.


Genesis 23

¹And Sarah was an hundred and seven and twenty years old: these were the years of the life of Sarah.

²And Sarah died in Kirjatharba; the same is Hebron in the land of Canaan: and Abraham came to mourn for Sarah, and to weep for her.

Sarah died at 127. Jewish mythology holds that she died one of two ways, both deal with the attempted sacrifice of Isaac.

1. Samael (the archangel) told her that Abraham sacrificed Isaac, and she died of grief.
2. Satan (in the form of an old man) told her Isaac was sacrificed. She cried... alot, but got comfort in the belief that god told Abraham to do it. So she went to go find Abraham. Then satan tells her that it's not true, and she died of joy.

Abraham then attempts to buy a cave to bury her in.

⁹That he may give me the cave of Machpelah, which he hath, which is in the end of his field; for as much money as it is worth he shall give it me for a possession of a buryingplace amongst you.

This cave fills up with people over time.

¹¹Nay, my lord, hear me: the field give I thee, and the cave that is therein, I give it thee; in the presence of the sons of my people give I it thee: bury thy dead.

The extremely rich Abraham didn't have to pay for the cave, they wanted to give it to him.

He wanted to pay for it.

¹⁵My lord, hearken unto me: the land is worth four hundred shekels of silver; what is that betwixt me and thee? bury therefore thy dead.

It's worth 400 shekels. Abraham wound up paying for it.

¹⁶And Abraham hearkened unto Ephron; and Abraham weighed to Ephron the silver, which he had named in the audience of the sons of Heth, four hundred shekels of silver, current money with the merchant.

Current money.

¹⁹And after this, Abraham buried Sarah his wife in the cave of the field of Machpelah before Mamre: the same is Hebron in the land of Canaan.

They are/were (supposedly) buried in the Cave of the Patriarchs, or the Cave of Machpelah. Bones were found in there, the guy who did the digging claimed he knew who's bones they were.

An early Jewish text, the Genesis Rabba, states that this site is one of three that the nations of the world cannot taunt Israel and say ‘you have stolen them.’ it being purchased "for its full price" by Abraham.

Apparently, claiming Israel has stolen things is a common practice.

Genesis 24

¹And Abraham was old, and well stricken in age: and the LORD had blessed Abraham in all things.

Sarah's dead, and Abraham is old.

²And Abraham said unto his eldest servant of his house, that ruled over all that he had, Put, I pray thee, thy hand under my thigh:

A thigh oath. Actually, it was probably a testicle oath. Apparently the word "testify" is from the same word as testis (testicles). Which means to swear a ball oath. So Abraham made his servant grab his balls and swear something... what was it?

³And I will make thee swear by the LORD, the God of heaven, and the God of the earth, that thou shalt not take a wife unto my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, among whom I dwell:

What a racist asshole. Remember, the Canaanites were black. So Abraham said "don't let my son marry no (n word)". Add this to the list of great attributes of Abraham.

⁴But thou shalt go unto my country, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son Isaac.

Incest is better than marrying a black girl.

⁵And the servant said unto him, Peradventure the woman will not be willing to follow me unto this land: must I needs bring thy son again unto the land from whence thou camest?

The servant is still standing there holding Abraham's balls asking "what if she won't come back?"

Abraham says someone will come back.

¹⁰And the servant took ten camels of the camels of his master, and departed; for all the goods of his master were in his hand: and he arose, and went to Mesopotamia, unto the city of Nahor.

There are two Nahor's. One was Abraham's brother, the other his grandfather.

The servant prayed.

¹²And he said O LORD God of my master Abraham, I pray thee, send me good speed this day, and shew kindness unto my master Abraham.

¹³Behold, I stand here by the well of water; and the daughters of the men of the city come out to draw water:

¹⁴And let it come to pass, that the damsel to whom I shall say, Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: let the same be she that thou hast appointed for thy servant Isaac; and thereby shall I know that thou hast shewed kindness unto my master.

You'll note that god wasn't the god of the servant. (The servant was probably Eliezer from Gen. 15:2) Eliezer prayed that when the women come out to get water, he'll ask them for some water, and the one who gives him water will be the one to marry Isaac.

¹⁵And it came to pass, before he had done speaking, that, behold, Rebekah came out, who was born to Bethuel, son of Milcah, the wife of Nahor, Abraham's brother, with her pitcher upon her shoulder.

¹⁶And the damsel was very fair to look upon, a virgin, neither had any man known her: and she went down to the well, and filled her pitcher, and came up.

Hey, remember Rebekah from earlier? The great-niece of Abraham. Apparently she's a hottie like her great-aunt Sarah. She's a virgin too, whoo hooo.

The servant (who isn't named, but it's assumed to be Eliezer) asked her for water. She gave him some. Then she said she'll get some for his camels too. HUZZAH!!!

²¹And the man wondering at her held his peace, to wit whether the LORD had made his journey prosperous or not.

He was shocked that what he prayed for actually happened.

²²And it came to pass, as the camels had done drinking, that the man took a golden earring of half a shekel weight, and two bracelets for her hands of ten shekels weight of gold;

²³And said, Whose daughter art thou? tell me, I pray thee: is there room in thy father's house for us to lodge in?

No wonder she got him water, he was all blinged out. Abraham paid 400 shekels of silver for the caves that he's buried in, his servant paid 20.5 shekels of gold for some water.

She told him she was the daughter of Bethuel, the granddaughter of Nahor.

²⁹And Rebekah had a brother, and his name was Laban: and Laban ran out unto the man, unto the well.

Laban will be important later.

The servant tells his story to Laban:

³⁵And the LORD hath blessed my master greatly; and he is become great: and he hath given him flocks, and herds, and silver, and gold, and menservants, and maidservants, and camels, and asses.

³⁶And Sarah my master's wife bare a son to my master when she was old: and unto him hath he given all that he hath.

Isaac will get everything.

³⁷And my master made me swear, saying, Thou shalt not take a wife to my son of the daughters of the Canaanites, in whose land I dwell:

³⁸But thou shalt go unto my father's house, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son.

No black wives though.

He tells the story of how Abraham made him swear on his nuts. He tells how he pray for water and water for his camels. He tells exactly the same thing that has already been told in this chapter.

⁵⁰Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said, The thing proceedeth from the LORD: we cannot speak unto thee bad or good.

⁵¹Behold, Rebekah is before thee, take her, and go, and let her be thy master's son's wife, as the LORD hath spoken.

Laban freely gives away his sister. He'll get more stingy as times go by.

They ask if she wants to go, she says sure. So she takes off with the servant.

⁶³And Isaac went out to meditate in the field at the eventide: and he lifted up his eyes, and saw, and, behold, the camels were coming.

The camels are coming, the camels are coming.

⁶⁴And Rebekah lifted up her eyes, and when she saw Isaac, she lighted off the camel.

She was happy that she wasn't getting married to a troll. He was probably happy that he didn't have to marry one of the black town girls.

⁶⁷And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah's tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother's death.

Nothing comforts a guy over his mothers death, like having a new wife who is a close cousin.

Points to ponder:

1. Abraham didn't necessarily want his son to marry one of his cousins so much that he didn't want him to marry a Canaanite.
2. I know I'm getting way ahead of myself, but take a look at James 1:13. ¹³Let no man say when he is tempted, I am tempted of God: for God cannot be tempted with evil, neither tempteth he any man Meanwhile Genesis 22:1 says that God did tempt Abraham. Which of these verses is incorrect?
3. Why does Gen. 22:2 say Isaac is Abraham's only son? Does Abraham remember Ishmael anymore? Did he just assume that Hagar and Ishmael were dead?
4. If God tells you to sacrifice your children, would you do it? Would you seek medical help first?
5. Are you willing to swear on your nuts?
6. The new testament is about Jesus. God goes from not wanting a human sacrifice to demanding one, this time, it's his own son though. God doesn't want to be shown up, he doesn't give his own son the last second reprieve with the goat in stuck in the bushes.

Day 7. Genesis 19-21

Genesis 19-21

Genesis 19

¹And there came two angels to Sodom at even; and Lot sat in the gate of Sodom: and Lot seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground;

In Genesis 18:2 there were three men, now there's only two. One of them, the one who was god, left.

²And he said, Behold now, my lords, turn in, I pray you, into your servant's house, and tarry all night, and wash your feet, and ye shall rise up early, and go on your ways. And they said, Nay; but we will abide in the street all night.

The angels didn't go to Sodom to find ten righteous people. They went to go get raped. They wanted to destroy the people in the plains. It's like a guy who goes to a bar, wanting to get into a fight. They provoke someone into hitting them, and then manage to justify their actions by saying "he hit me first". It reminds me of the tv show Bait Car. Apparently police can't catch criminals when they actually commit crimes, instead they can only catch them when they are entrapped.

"The individual who's arrested in a bait car did not have intent to commit crime until law enforcement created the opportunity. It's like having a great-looking undercover female police officer on the corner, [dressed as a prostitute] who's hoping to solicit an inquiry. They're creating crime. There may not have been any intent until he saw the attractive police woman, until the cops lured him into the trap.

The people who lived in Sodom weren't planning on raping any angels. It wasn't until the angels showed up that they thought it would be fun. Then, the angels say they want to stay in the streets. They went there with the intent of soliciting. Sodom was set up.

⁴But before they lay down, the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter:

⁵And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.

Know, as in the same way that Adam KNEW Eve.

⁶And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him,

⁷And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly.

Lot tries to calm down the crowd of people who wanted to KNOW the angels. But they weren't calming down. He came up with a compromise.

⁸Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.

Lot, being a good father, and a righteous man, offers up his daughters to the crowd. Saying, don't bother these angels, please, rape my two virgin daughters.

The angels pulled lot back, and then blinded the gathered mob.

¹²And the men said unto Lot, Hast thou here any besides? son in law, and thy sons, and thy daughters, and whatsoever thou hast in the city, bring them out of this place:

¹³For we will destroy this place, because the cry of them is waxen great before the face of the LORD; and the LORD hath sent us to destroy it.

Hast thou here any besides? Does Lot have any more family?

¹⁴And Lot went out, and spake unto his sons in law, which married his daughters, and said, Up, get you out of this place; for the LORD will destroy this city. But he seemed as one that mocked unto his sons in law.

Wait, what? Lot had two virgin daughters, who were married. What kind of a crappy marriage did those guys have? Especially in a town that is known for it's sex. Lot had two married virgin daughters. No wonder the crowd didn't want those daughters, they probably knew all about them.

Why would Lot, (the only righteous man in Sodom) allow his daughters to marry non-righteous people? What happened to all of Lots workers? Remember, Abraham and Lot separated because their men were getting into fights. All of a sudden, all of Lot's men are gone. Additionally, they weren't righteous. Perhaps they all died when the four kings from the Babylon area attacked.

¹⁵And when the morning arose, then the angels hastened Lot, saying, Arise, take thy wife, and thy two daughters, which are here; lest thou be consumed in the iniquity of the city.

Lot's wife is never named. Lot, his wife, and two daughters are four people. Lot's daughters were married; I find it hard to believe a righteous man, with two righteous daughters and a righteous wife would allow his daughters to marry non-righteous people. That would make 6 people in town who were righteous. There would only have to be four others in town to avert the catastrophe. Apparently, they weren't there.

¹⁷And it came to pass, when they had brought them forth abroad, that he said, Escape for thy life; look not behind thee, neither stay thou in all the plain; escape to the mountain, lest thou be consumed.

Don't look back.

Instead of going directly to the mountain, Lot asked if he could just go to Zoar (also known as Bela). The angels agreed. Lot goes to Zoar.

²⁴Then the LORD rained upon Sodom and upon Gomorrah brimstone and fire from the LORD out of heaven;

²⁵And he overthrew those cities, and all the plain, and all the inhabitants of the cities, and that which grew upon the ground.

The cities that were destroyed were: Sodom, Gomorrah, Admah, and Zeboim. God didn't destroy Zoar.

Here's the timeline:

Lot, wife, and two daughters leave town (verse 20)
Lot enters Zoar (verse 23)
The cities are destroyed (verse 24)
Lot's wife looks back and becomes a pillar of salt (verse 26)

According to verse 23, the angels weren't going to destroy the cities until Lot was safely in the other city. Now, in verse 26, it seems like Lot and his family were on the run, as the destruction was raining down. Then, Lot's wife becomes a pillar of salt.

Lot's Wife is a pillar of halite on Mount Sodom in Israel. For thousands of years, this pillar has been claimed to be Lot's wife. (Halite is rock salt).

³⁰And Lot went up out of Zoar, and dwelt in the mountain, and his two daughters with him; for he feared to dwell in Zoar: and he dwelt in a cave, he and his two daughters.

Lot was in the town of Zoar. He knew that it wasn't destroyed. However, he was afraid to stay there because he figured the townspeople would blame him for the destruction of the other cities. As though he was a bad omen, or a curse.

So, he went and lived in a cave, with his daughters.

³¹And the firstborn said unto the younger, Our father is old, and there is not a man in the earth to come in unto us after the manner of all the earth:

³²Come, let us make our father drink wine, and we will lie with him, that we may preserve seed of our father.

The daughters then plan to get Lot drunk, then have sex with him, and get pregnant. Verse 31 makes it seem like the daughters think that there are no other people left on the earth. "There is not a man in the earth"; except they were just in the town of Zoar, and left because they feared for their safety. They knew there were other people in the world.

³³And they made their father drink wine that night: and the firstborn went in, and lay with her father; and he perceived not when she lay down, nor when she arose.

The next night the other daughter did the same thing.

Now, we are supposed to believe that the girls were virgins when this happened. They had been married, they lived in a town known for it's sexual depravity, they got their dad passed out/black out drunk, then were able to give him an erection that lasted long enough to ejaculate and get the girls pregnant, and we are supposed to believe that they figured out how to do this the day after the cities were destroyed. That part of the story makes absolutely no sense.

³⁶Thus were both the daughters of Lot with child by their father.

³⁷And the first born bare a son, and called his name Moab: the same is the father of the Moabites unto this day.

³⁸And the younger, she also bare a son, and called his name Benammi: the same is the father of the children of Ammon unto this day.

The older daughter was the mother of Moab, the younger was the mother of Benammi. We'll hear about the Moabites a lot.

Oh, I left this out...

²⁷And Abraham gat up early in the morning to the place where he stood before the LORD:

²⁸And he looked toward Sodom and Gomorrah, and toward all the land of the plain, and beheld, and, lo, the smoke of the country went up as the smoke of a furnace.

Abraham looked at the cities, but he didn't turn into a pillar of salt.

Genesis 20

¹And Abraham journeyed from thence toward the south country, and dwelled between Kadesh and Shur, and sojourned in Gerar.

Abraham was on the move again.

²And Abraham said of Sarah his wife, She is my sister: and Abimelech king of Gerar sent, and took Sarah.

Abimelech did what pharaoh did, he took Sarah. Wasn't she like 90 at this point? She already had reached menopause. She much have been one of the hottest old ladies ever.

³But God came to Abimelech in a dream by night, and said to him, Behold, thou art but a dead man, for the woman which thou hast taken; for she is a man's wife.

⁴But Abimelech had not come near her: and he said, LORD, wilt thou slay also a righteous nation?

God goes to Abimelech in a dream, and says he's going to kill him for taking Sarah.

There must have been absolutely no communication at all during this point in history. Abimelech doesn't seem to know who Abraham is. Abraham is the guy who beat Hammurabi with 318 people. Abraham is the guy who went to Egypt and managed to cause plagues there. Abraham is the guy who has 300+ servants. Abraham is the guy who is the uncle of the only man to survive the destruction of the cities of the plain. Abimelech doesn't know who he is. How is that possible?

⁶And God said unto him in a dream, Yea, I know that thou didst this in the integrity of thy heart; for I also withheld thee from sinning against me: therefore suffered I thee not to touch her.

⁷Now therefore restore the man his wife; for he is a prophet, and he shall pray for thee, and thou shalt live: and if thou restore her not, know thou that thou shalt surely die, thou, and all that are thine.

I love verse seven. It's so poetic. There's so much "th" in it. Therefore, the, thee, thou, thou, thou, that, thou, thou, that, thine. I'd like to hear a preacher with a lisp read Genesis 20:7.

⁹Then Abimelech called Abraham, and said unto him, What hast thou done unto us? and what have I offended thee, that thou hast brought on me and on my kingdom a great sin? thou hast done deeds unto me that ought not to be done.

Maybe Abraham was trying to get rid of Sarah. He'd been with her for at least 60 years. She's been nagging about not getting pregnant, she then nagged about him knocking up her handmaiden, she didn't like the way he treats his son; I'll be Abraham was happy to have some peace while she was staying with Abimelech.

¹¹And Abraham said, Because I thought, Surely the fear of God is not in this place; and they will slay me for my wife's sake.

¹²And yet indeed she is my sister; she is the daughter of my father, but not the daughter of my mother; and she became my wife.

Abraham didn't fully lie, Sarah is his half sister. Abraham then tells the story that he likes to have her tell people she's his sister and not his wife because people would kill him if she's his wife.

¹⁴And Abimelech took sheep, and oxen, and menservants, and womenservants, and gave them unto Abraham, and restored him Sarah his wife.

Once again, Abraham was given gifts to take Sarah away from a king.

¹⁷So Abraham prayed unto God: and God healed Abimelech, and his wife, and his maidservants; and they bare children.

¹⁸For the LORD had fast closed up all the wombs of the house of Abimelech, because of Sarah Abraham's wife.

How long were Abraham and Sarah separated? Long enough for the people to realize that they weren't getting pregnant anymore. That's at least several months. Abraham must have enjoyed the peace of not having her around.

Genesis 21

God visits Sarah.

²For Sarah conceived, and bare Abraham a son in his old age, at the set time of which God had spoken to him.

Then Sarah had Isaac. On the 8th day, Abraham circumcised him. Abraham was 100.

⁹And Sarah saw the son of Hagar the Egyptian, which she had born unto Abraham, mocking.

¹⁰Wherefore she said unto Abraham, Cast out this bondwoman and her son: for the son of this bondwoman shall not be heir with my son, even with Isaac.

Sarah was rather bitchy. Remember, it was her idea in the first place to have Abraham knock up Hagar. So, Sarah tells Abraham to kick out his other wife.

¹²And God said unto Abraham, Let it not be grievous in thy sight because of the lad, and because of thy bondwoman; in all that Sarah hath said unto thee, hearken unto her voice; for in Isaac shall thy seed be called.

God said don't worry about Ishmael, let them go, Isaac will be the one that I will have my people come through.

¹⁴And Abraham rose up early in the morning, and took bread, and a bottle of water, and gave it unto Hagar, putting it on her shoulder, and the child, and sent her away: and she departed, and wandered in the wilderness of Beersheba.

Abraham the righteous man, who was given 1000 pieces of silver (Gen 20:16) and sheep, oxen, menservants, womenservents and other things from king Abimelech; Abraham, who led 318 men into a battle and defeated the people who attacked the cities of the plain; Abraham, who was rich beyond belief... sent his firstborn son and that child's mother into the wilderness with some bread and a bottle of water.

This is the man who, pretty much, is the father of the Judaism, Christianity, and Islam.

¹⁵And the water was spent in the bottle, and she cast the child under one of the shrubs.

They ran out of water, so Hagar put Ishmael under a bush to die.

God called to her:

¹⁹And God opened her eyes, and she saw a well of water; and she went, and filled the bottle with water, and gave the lad drink.

Because of that water, they lived.

²⁰And God was with the lad; and he grew, and dwelt in the wilderness, and became an archer.

²¹And he dwelt in the wilderness of Paran: and his mother took him a wife out of the land of Egypt.

Ishmael would have been at least 14 when he was sent away.

Many people believe that Hagar was one of the daughters of whatever Pharaoh was around when Abraham and Sarah went to Egypt. Jewish tradition holds that she was given to Sarah by the pharaoh as a slave. What father gives up his daughter as a slave? It's the same morals listed as will allow a father to send his son away in the wilderness to die.

Abimelech and Abraham then get into a dispute over a well. Abraham sent Abimelech seven sheep to settle the dispute of the well.

This was done at Beersheba. Be'er is the Hebrew word for "well"; Sheva means either "seven" or "oath". So this story at the end of Genesis 21 tells why the area of Beersheba is named Beersheba.

Points to ponder:

1. Why did the angels go to Sodom?
2. Angel rape may be a crime, but it's not that angels don't like sex, remember in Genesis 6:4, they like to be with pretty women. Why did angels stop coming down and having sex with girls?
3. Did Sodom really deserve to be destroyed?
4. Are Abraham's morals worthy of being followed?

Day 6. Genesis 16-18

Genesis 16-18

Genesis 16

¹Now Sarai Abram's wife bare him no children: and she had an handmaid, an Egyptian, whose name was Hagar.

Kinky

²And Sarai said unto Abram, Behold now, the LORD hath restrained me from bearing: I pray thee, go in unto my maid; it may be that I may obtain children by her. And Abram hearkened to the voice of Sarai.

"Go in unto" means the same as "know"; also means "uncover nakedness".

⁴And he went in unto Hagar, and she conceived: and when she saw that she had conceived, her mistress was despised in her eyes.

Alright, here's the scenario. Sarai couldn't have kids, but she had a good friend who didn't have anything wrong with her. So, she "gave" her handmaiden to Abram so that he could have kids. In verse 3, Hagar became Abram's wife. Then Sarai got mad at Hagar because her husband married her, and she was able to have a kid instead of her.

⁵And Sarai said unto Abram, My wrong be upon thee: I have given my maid into thy bosom; and when she saw that she had conceived, I was despised in her eyes: the LORD judge between me and thee.

Sarai realized her mistake.

⁶But Abram said unto Sarai, Behold, thy maid is in thine hand; do to her as it pleaseth thee. And when Sarai dealt hardly with her, she fled from her face.

Abram, not wanting to pick favorites (remember, Sarai was a babe so much that the pharaoh of Egypt took her to be his wife) between his first and second wife, allowed Sarai to determine the fate of Hagar. (Not Hagar the Horrible).

Hagar winds up by a fountain in the wilderness, there she runs into an angel, who asks why she's there, and she said she was running away from Sarai. The angel tells her to return.

¹¹And the angel of the LORD said unto her, Behold, thou art with child and shalt bear a son, and shalt call his name Ishmael; because the LORD hath heard thy affliction.

¹²And he will be a wild man; his hand will be against every man, and every man's hand against him; and he shall dwell in the presence of all his brethren.

Ishmael, he is considered to be the ancestor of the northern Arab people. Funny, that makes the Arab's Hebrew... hahahhaaha.

¹⁵And Hagar bare Abram a son: and Abram called his son's name, which Hagar bare, Ishmael.

¹⁶And Abram was fourscore and six years old, when Hagar bare Ishmael to Abram.

Abram became a father at age 86. Wow, that's some potent spunk.

Genesis 17

¹And when Abram was ninety years old and nine, the LORD appeared to Abram, and said unto him, I am the Almighty God; walk before me, and be thou perfect.

God shows up on earth again. This may, or may not have been a vision.

⁴As for me, behold, my covenant is with thee, and thou shalt be a father of many nations.

God's covenant with Abram was that he would have children who would be innumerable. Oddly, if you think of modern Jews (their race, not religion) they can claim to trace their origins back to Abram. As an American mutt, I don't know where my lineage traces to. Other than Arabs and Jews, can any other race trace themselves back to a single person?

⁵Neither shall thy name any more be called Abram, but thy name shall be Abraham; for a father of many nations have I made thee.

And now, Abram becomes Abraham. God promises Abram (oops, Abraham) that his children, and everyone after them, will get the land that was promised (from the Nile to the Euphrates). All they have to do is...

¹⁰This is my covenant, which ye shall keep, between me and you and thy seed after thee; Every man child among you shall be circumcised.

¹¹And ye shall circumcise the flesh of your foreskin; and it shall be a token of the covenant betwixt me and you.

Religious Male Circumcision. The cutting off of the foreskin. FYI, the feast of the circumcision of christ takes place on January 1. People celebrate that. Really. They do.

¹²And he that is eight days old shall be circumcised among you, every man child in your generations, he that is born in the house, or bought with money of any stranger, which is not of thy seed.

At 8 days a boy is circumcised. Since Christmas is Dec. 25, he would have been cut on Jan 1.

¹⁴And the uncircumcised man child whose flesh of his foreskin is not circumcised, that soul shall be cut off from his people; he hath broken my covenant.

This is another example of a line that was probably added AFTER the actual event, since it makes no context in this. His people? That term hasn't been used yet to describe anyone's offspring. When Moses is writing the law in Lev. 7, 17, 20, and 23, along with Numbers "his people" a lot. Many of the time, it also has "cut off from" with it. It doesn't seem as though it belongs.

¹⁵And God said unto Abraham, As for Sarai thy wife, thou shalt not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall her name be.

Sarai is now Sarah, and my spellchecker is happy.

¹⁶And I will bless her, and give thee a son also of her: yea, I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people shall be of her.

I think this kind of upset Abraham.

¹⁷Then Abraham fell upon his face, and laughed, and said in his heart, Shall a child be born unto him that is an hundred years old? and shall Sarah, that is ninety years old, bear?

I'll assume Sarah was still hot. Also, how does the author know what someone "said in his heart". Oh, because it was god who wrote this, not Moses.

¹⁸And Abraham said unto God, O that Ishmael might live before thee!

Even though Abraham was 100, he was still a good father to his son Ishmael. He wished that Ishmael would be the one to be the father of his people.

¹⁹And God said, Sarah thy wife shall bear thee a son indeed; and thou shalt call his name Isaac: and I will establish my covenant with him for an everlasting covenant, and with his seed after him.

Isaac will be Abraham's son. Ishmael was Abram's son.

²⁰And as for Ishmael, I have heard thee: Behold, I have blessed him, and will make him fruitful, and will multiply him exceedingly; twelve princes shall he beget, and I will make him a great nation.

The Arab's are a pretty powerful nation.

²¹But my covenant will I establish with Isaac, which Sarah shall bear unto thee at this set time in the next year.

Here we see the skipping of the birthright. The birthright is the privilege that the firstborn gets. Usually most of the inheritance goes to the eldest, while the younger has to fend for themselves.

²³And Abraham took Ishmael his son, and all that were born in his house, and all that were bought with his money, every male among the men of Abraham's house; and circumcised the flesh of their foreskin in the selfsame day, as God had said unto him.

What would you think if a 99 year old came at you with a knife claiming god told him to cut the foreskin off your penis?

Ishmael was 13 when he got chopped.

Abraham: Son, come here.
Ishmael: What is it dad?
Abraham: I need to talk to you.
Ishmael: ok, on my way... hey, dad, what's with the knife???
Abraham: Son, god told me to cut the foreskin off of my penis, additionally, I am to cut it off yours and everyone else that works for me.
Ishmael: ok, if god said so

(wait, there's NO WAY any 13 year old would say that)

Ishmael: get away from me you crazy old bastard... arrrrrghhh MOM, dad's trying to cut off my dick... MOM

(meanwhile Sarah is like, cut off his whole penis! I hate that boy!)

Genesis 18

¹And the LORD appeared unto him in the plains of Mamre: and he sat in the tent door in the heat of the day;

God appeared to Abraham.

²And he lift up his eyes and looked, and, lo, three men stood by him: and when he saw them, he ran to meet them from the tent door, and bowed himself toward the ground,

Abraham was visited by three men.

⁴Let a little water, I pray you, be fetched, and wash your feet, and rest yourselves under the tree:

⁵And I will fetch a morsel of bread, and comfort ye your hearts; after that ye shall pass on: for therefore are ye come to your servant. And they said, So do, as thou hast said.

He offered them water, bread and some rest. He also got them some calf to eat, along with butter and milk.

⁹And they said unto him, Where is Sarah thy wife? And he said, Behold, in the tent.

Man, I wish we still talked like that. It sounds almost like a magician. Where is your wife? BEHOLD. Honey are you in the shower? BEHOLD, look at my nudity! Hey where is the beer? BEHOLD, it's in the fridge!

¹⁰And he said, I will certainly return unto thee according to the time of life; and, lo, Sarah thy wife shall have a son. And Sarah heard it in the tent door, which was behind him.

¹¹Now Abraham and Sarah were old and well stricken in age; and it ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women.

They again told Abraham about Sarah having a boy. Sarah was old. There's some interesting phraseology there, "it ceased to be with Sarah after the manner of women". They are saying she reached menopause , she stopped having her period. Menopause means "end of monthly cycles" from the Greek pausis (cessation) and mensis (month).

Sarah laughed this off.

¹⁴Is any thing too hard for the LORD? At the time appointed I will return unto thee, according to the time of life, and Sarah shall have a son.

Is there anything too hard for the LORD?

¹⁵Then Sarah denied, saying, I laughed not; for she was afraid. And he said, Nay; but thou didst laugh.

God: you laughed
Sarah: no I didn't
God: yes you did

¹⁶And the men rose up from thence, and looked toward Sodom: and Abraham went with them to bring them on the way.

¹⁷And the LORD said, Shall I hide from Abraham that thing which I do;

God and the other two angels just stopped at Abraham's tents while they were on their way to go destroy Sodom. They dropped off some good news to Abraham and Sarah before they went to go slaughter the cities of the plain.

²⁰And the LORD said, Because the cry of Sodom and Gomorrah is great, and because their sin is very grievous;

²¹I will go down now, and see whether they have done altogether according to the cry of it, which is come unto me; and if not, I will know.

God wants to destroy Sodom. He REALLY wants to do it.

²³And Abraham drew near, and said, Wilt thou also destroy the righteous with the wicked?

²⁴Peradventure there be fifty righteous within the city: wilt thou also destroy and not spare the place for the fifty righteous that are therein?

Abraham starts to bargain with god.

²⁶And the LORD said, If I find in Sodom fifty righteous within the city, then I will spare all the place for their sakes.

God said if he can find 50 people, he won't kill them. He doesn't say men, he doesn't apply any special qualifies to the number of the righteous, he just says fifty righteous.

Abraham asks, well, what if there's only 45?

²⁸Peradventure there shall lack five of the fifty righteous: wilt thou destroy all the city for lack of five? And he said, If I find there forty and five, I will not destroy it.

Forty... thirty... twenty... ten.

³²And he said, Oh let not the LORD be angry, and I will speak yet but this once: Peradventure ten shall be found there. And he said, I will not destroy it for ten's sake.

Ten righteous. God said he wouldn't destroy Sodom if there were 10 righteous people found there.

What happened to all of Lot's former employees?

Things to ponder from today:

1. What would you think if your 99 year old father showed up with a knife and said he was going to cut part of your penis off?
2. If you offer your spouse/significant other/lover a romp with your friend, should you be surprised when they wind up having a good time?
3. Can you find 50, 45, 40, 30, 20, 10 righteous people in your town?
4. Wouldn't it be easier to kill the one person who led the town of Sodom to be evil back earlier, than to go and destroy the whole city now?